I'm have a day when every muscle in my body is aching...ok really just my back. But it was bad. I had to go to the chiropractor and a massage therapist within a couple of hours! I think it's stress related and the fact that I am always on this computer!
Anyhow...just randomly typing here...I am on day two of really feeling bad about myself. Really. I look at my pictures and see legs that are larger than I want them to be and arms that are softer than I wish. Those two things, coupled with some business stuff that really threw me for a loop yesterday, just kinda got me down on a very girly, human level. And I HATE IT.
If I could, I WOULD exercise all the time. I absolutely LOVE it. All of it...the bursts of energy, the lack of energy, the soreness, etc. I would take dance classes all the time... My body hasn't changed that much in the past 10 years. I think I actually might be stronger now than ever...but that mirror...oh that mirror..
There was a time when I would have beaten myself up a lot more than I am now for very minor things and I thank God I don't really know how to do that anymore.
I am thankful for my health and my life and while I am capable of some really deep thoughts and have an ability to write novels about them (hope this isn't the first blog of mine that you've read), I am riddled with self conciousness right now. Odd isn't it? I'll get over it...soon...tomorrow...I hope:)
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Not Finished...but I want to Finish Well.
My heart is currently under construction. The past 48 hours have been quite hectic, forcing me to think and deal with life on an eternal level.
I don't know what will come of this, what I will be/feel like next week. I hope I getter a bigger dose of whatever I've got right now.
I woke up this morning, literally, with the lyrics from this song in my head:
You have redeemed my soul
From the pit of emptiness
You have redeemt my soul from death
I was a hungry child a dried up river
I was a burned out forest
And no one could do anything for me
But You put food in my boddy
Fill water in my dryed bed
And to my blackened branches
You brought the springtime
Green of new life
And nothing is impossibleFor You
We all have an instinctive "hole" in our hearts the moment we are born. Find me SOMEONE, ANYONE who doesn't ask at least once, "is there a God" "is there something to worship". If the question is not asked, it's felt. To what do I owe my allegience? The earth? Animals? People? Choices are made. Fame, fortune, presidents, leaders, musicians...are they worthy of worship? What do I choose above all else? What drives me to do what I do?
Switchfoot sings "This is Your Life. Are you Who You Want to Be?" My answer is NO. I recently went to a class, yep at church, that asked if we wanted to finish well. Yes, above ALL else, I want to finish well.
“Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:28-31 (NIV).
I don't know what will come of this, what I will be/feel like next week. I hope I getter a bigger dose of whatever I've got right now.
I woke up this morning, literally, with the lyrics from this song in my head:
You have redeemed my soul
From the pit of emptiness
You have redeemt my soul from death
I was a hungry child a dried up river
I was a burned out forest
And no one could do anything for me
But You put food in my boddy
Fill water in my dryed bed
And to my blackened branches
You brought the springtime
Green of new life
And nothing is impossibleFor You
We all have an instinctive "hole" in our hearts the moment we are born. Find me SOMEONE, ANYONE who doesn't ask at least once, "is there a God" "is there something to worship". If the question is not asked, it's felt. To what do I owe my allegience? The earth? Animals? People? Choices are made. Fame, fortune, presidents, leaders, musicians...are they worthy of worship? What do I choose above all else? What drives me to do what I do?
Switchfoot sings "This is Your Life. Are you Who You Want to Be?" My answer is NO. I recently went to a class, yep at church, that asked if we wanted to finish well. Yes, above ALL else, I want to finish well.
“Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:28-31 (NIV).
Thursday, June 4, 2009
In General...
My four year old recently said " Mommy, when I grow up, I am going to drink a beer and be silly." GULP.
Ok. I don't plan to let him live in a bubble and believe that he should be exposed and know about things...but something still bugged me.
Is it me or my husband? Do we drink so much alcohol in front of him that beer and wine have become household names? Highly doubt it....but we don't necessarily hide the occasional drink and tell him plainly what it is. I am nuts all the time alcohol free...so he saw something ELSE somewhere. I am careful to tell him that it's like sugar...it's not healthy too have too much and can make you very sick. He seems to get that.
I do, however, think I need to check the activities that I am allowing him to be a part of. Several of my friends have children, and so there are lots of bbqs and get togethers...and there is always alcohol present. When my son is with me...it's one and then done usually. But I have recently observed such an increase in alcohol intake that adult censors are way down. Lots of alcohol leads to lots of foul language and an irritable attitude when my son says "mommy, so and so said X word." I have told him that grown ups are in charge of themselves and that while our family does not say certain things, that other people may choose to be different. I literally tell him " I am not in control of what he/she says and neither are you. But please remember that we do not say those words because they are not good." He says ok and moves on. Most of the time. I DO tell him that he may come and talk to me about something he hears..so that we can get through it and he doesn't stuff it down in his heart to be repeated later. To some adults, my son is "tattle tailing"...making it hard for me to know who the adult is.
I have had this stomach ache about this issue...because it's so much more than just words. It's a representation of my parenting. How "old" do I expect my son to be? Shame on me. He's only 4. His little filter is still developing...and I am waiting for the day when he just starts repeating. I do ask the repeat offenders to please curb their language and usually get a good response, but one that is clearly lined with irritation. At first I was a bit shy about it...but now, I am pretty much over that. I used to be afraid that I would embarrass someone, seem "holier than thou", etc. I am guilty of saying a few choice words myself...way too often...but never in front of my kid...except that one time...crap. We ALL make the mistake...but I apologize to my son because I deep down DO NOT want him to grow up with a foul mouth. The soul reason I ask adults to curb their language if I have to.
At one point growing up do we forgo the nice talk and just start cursing? Probably middle school...showing your defiance, getting a reaction. I know I did...
I believe I got that in check when I read the scripture "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." I felt horrible. I didn't say I DON't curse, I am far from perfect...but I do hold myself accountable for my actions and I really, really don't want to have so much crap inside of me that only crap comes out.
I would venture to say that the majority of adults, regardless of whether they are parents and regardless of any spiritual or religious ties...agree that children have a shot at being a better human than them...and therefore try to protect what they see and hear. Right????
I guess if you see cursing as only words, then maybe it's suitable for you to drop the f-bomb or the gd's all the time...I mean...kids won't get in trouble at school for saying such things if their parents approve,right? I don't think so. I know some who teach their children to say bad things b/c I guess in some sick way it's humorous to see an innocent child with an open mind and heart say something that only an adult knows the meaning of.
Sometimes IT IS just about the kids. Sometimes family functions should truly be family friendly.
In saying all this, I have decided to return to my mother bear-ness:) There are some experiences my son shouldn't have...and it's my job to watch out for him. So there.
Ok. I don't plan to let him live in a bubble and believe that he should be exposed and know about things...but something still bugged me.
Is it me or my husband? Do we drink so much alcohol in front of him that beer and wine have become household names? Highly doubt it....but we don't necessarily hide the occasional drink and tell him plainly what it is. I am nuts all the time alcohol free...so he saw something ELSE somewhere. I am careful to tell him that it's like sugar...it's not healthy too have too much and can make you very sick. He seems to get that.
I do, however, think I need to check the activities that I am allowing him to be a part of. Several of my friends have children, and so there are lots of bbqs and get togethers...and there is always alcohol present. When my son is with me...it's one and then done usually. But I have recently observed such an increase in alcohol intake that adult censors are way down. Lots of alcohol leads to lots of foul language and an irritable attitude when my son says "mommy, so and so said X word." I have told him that grown ups are in charge of themselves and that while our family does not say certain things, that other people may choose to be different. I literally tell him " I am not in control of what he/she says and neither are you. But please remember that we do not say those words because they are not good." He says ok and moves on. Most of the time. I DO tell him that he may come and talk to me about something he hears..so that we can get through it and he doesn't stuff it down in his heart to be repeated later. To some adults, my son is "tattle tailing"...making it hard for me to know who the adult is.
I have had this stomach ache about this issue...because it's so much more than just words. It's a representation of my parenting. How "old" do I expect my son to be? Shame on me. He's only 4. His little filter is still developing...and I am waiting for the day when he just starts repeating. I do ask the repeat offenders to please curb their language and usually get a good response, but one that is clearly lined with irritation. At first I was a bit shy about it...but now, I am pretty much over that. I used to be afraid that I would embarrass someone, seem "holier than thou", etc. I am guilty of saying a few choice words myself...way too often...but never in front of my kid...except that one time...crap. We ALL make the mistake...but I apologize to my son because I deep down DO NOT want him to grow up with a foul mouth. The soul reason I ask adults to curb their language if I have to.
At one point growing up do we forgo the nice talk and just start cursing? Probably middle school...showing your defiance, getting a reaction. I know I did...
I believe I got that in check when I read the scripture "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." I felt horrible. I didn't say I DON't curse, I am far from perfect...but I do hold myself accountable for my actions and I really, really don't want to have so much crap inside of me that only crap comes out.
I would venture to say that the majority of adults, regardless of whether they are parents and regardless of any spiritual or religious ties...agree that children have a shot at being a better human than them...and therefore try to protect what they see and hear. Right????
I guess if you see cursing as only words, then maybe it's suitable for you to drop the f-bomb or the gd's all the time...I mean...kids won't get in trouble at school for saying such things if their parents approve,right? I don't think so. I know some who teach their children to say bad things b/c I guess in some sick way it's humorous to see an innocent child with an open mind and heart say something that only an adult knows the meaning of.
Sometimes IT IS just about the kids. Sometimes family functions should truly be family friendly.
In saying all this, I have decided to return to my mother bear-ness:) There are some experiences my son shouldn't have...and it's my job to watch out for him. So there.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I know what it is...
So for the past few years I've been on a very rough journey. Much of it involved daily life and struggles and much involved me just changing. Some good, some bad...some stuff still ongoing. Any and all of it related to my core being, my faith, my understanding of God.
I had a few years of total and complete security in my beliefs in my early/mid 20's, having learned a lot about Christianity, the Bible (that used to sit in a drawer,dusty), developing lifelong friendships with people of similar beliefs, etc. This was a huge development in my life. This came after experiencing many people with beliefs that differed greatly from mine. I took as much as I could in, knowing some day I would be accountable to myself for it all...for weighing the experiences of others against my own.... So by the time I invested in Christianity for the second go-round (high school was the first round), I meant it totally. No pretending, no mother yanking me to church on Sunday after a late night w/ friends, no facades, just everyone sincere in their desire to learn about the truth of it all. Then gradually (though it seems so fast) we all grew up, got married, had children, grew apart in a lot of ways...however these are still people I can go to at any point, day or night, for what I know is the truest of friendships.
What drives me...and drives me nearly insane...is this deep nagging to continue.....because human life does not go on forever and I desperately want mine to count for something. A lifetime achievement award? No thanks. Not what I mean.
Background for my intensity: Sometime - in 2006 - to be exact, I started to find it harder to deal with lots of things, started to question a lot of things (it literally just happened...one thought led to another) - and my life changed a lot. Maybe it was the mental, emotional and spiritual weight of being responsible for another human (micah was just 1 then)...I think that had a lot to do with so much. At one point I questioned the Bible's validity, the whole concept of God. I probably spent several months ignoring what had been ingrained in my heart...ignoring the prodding, the leading that I had become familiar with. It wasn't always constant, but when it was there, it was clear as a bell. But I ignored it all. I was committed to being "confused."
I have allowed the gaps in my knowledge to overtake the way I function. Ater realizing (long journey) it wasn't Christ or Christianity I was grappling with (Jesus is the only major leader/prophet who has been recorded as coming back to life), I realized that I was really, truly and embarrassingly uneducated. I was/am grappling with myself. My ability to back myself up...the provability of it all...the historical support, the theology....the facts. Well...I knew quite a bit...but not enough to fight a tough battle or even argue for very long in a room of thinkers, of intelligent, thoroughly thought, well, thoughts...and hey, I like these kinds of people. I hope I am considered one of these people someday...so there was work to be done...there is work to be done. I remain full of gaps...but the complete parts must be what drives me to fill in the blanks...oh does this make sense? Oh LORD will I find myself in seminary courses soon? I won't say no.
Why can't I just let things roll? Let the unknown remain unknown? Let it all just be? Just can't. Those on neutral territory, who claim nothing, may smile at my attempts to figure it out, may truly appreciate it even. I know that I truly appreciate anyone who attempts to figure life out...
I can't imagine taking a breath and living the next 50 years without understanding. Why bother with anything otherwise? Just wake up, occupy myself with a job, medicate or numb myself with some substance (a nice white is what I prefer) or stay so busy I don't have time to think? Or, I could remain neutral. I could take the stance that whatever anyone believes in some way is right, that all paths lead to the truth, eventually. Then that would take me off the hook of having to really think or try.
Thoughts:
Religion - I am currently reading Ravi Zacharius' "Jesus Among Other Gods" because, well, like I said it's not that I don't believe in Jesus. I have spent most of my life trying to learn about him through the Christian faith. It's just that I have met people so influenced by THEIR different faiths that it threw me a bit (I am not talking Baptist vs. Presbyterian). I want to know what I know for sure, 100%. Not because I want to say "I'm right, your wrong, so there." But's it's because I want to truly understand it all. I want to live peacefully in this world, do waht it is I am meant to do, and if I figure it out, maybe tell a few folks:) It's possible if I try, right?
In this book, and I have only scratched the surface, I identify completely with the following statements by Zacharius:
"All religions are not the same. All religions do not point to God. All religions DO NOT say that all religions are the same. At the heart of EVERY religion is an uncompromising commitment to a particular way of defining who God is or is not and accordingly, of defining life's purpose."
My interpretation? Ditto. The driving force behind my decision to dive in and figure it out. So and so is Catholic, so and so is Presby, so and so is muslim, 7th day adventist, mormon, methodist, yadda yadda. HOW can it all be right? Too hard of a question? - can't be. The differences minor? Well then why SO many different churches...that does not say unity or minor difference to me.
"Anyone who claims that all religions are the same betrays not only an ignorance of all religions but also a caricatured view of even the best-known ones. Every religion at its core is exclusive."
My interpretation/thoughts? How much easier would it be to just chalk it all up this way...to say...worship however you wish, believe what you will, follow bits and pieces here and there, whatever means the most to you, whatever speaks to you, and it will all be right in the end. HOW COULD THIS BE? Many religions that claim the christian faith utilize the Bible. I have read enough of the Bible, many, many times, to know that it clearly states what it means to be a Christian...and it's actually VERY simple...but we crap it all up with STUFF that isn't in the Bible..
I try to envision what others might think. Here's my best guess. I anticipate that after reading this some might think "ok, she's a christian. Most of America is Christian. What's the big deal?" The big deal is that Christianity is based on believing in Jesus Christ, becoming christ-like by asking him into your life... as stated in the Bible ( we were made with choice, free will). While many have distorted this by adding, taking away or ignoring totally, it remains a truth in my life.
I know some Christians who simply need little more than the story of Jesus to believe. Fine...swell...I am sure God appreciates those easy converts:) sorry. I am not one. If Jesus is not going to show up in my bedroom tonight and show himself to me in the physical sense, then surely he will show himself to me in other ways ( I need him to show up in other ways)...and if I think for a minute...he already has:
* many times I will read the words of the Bible outloud during Bible studies or even to myself or my son and my voice will crack from the weight of teh power of the words. I simply can't get them out without crumbling...i am always humbled.
*when I listen to a passionate teacher or preacher and see their sweat, their tears, their urgency to tell their audience what they know...without expecting anything in return...and I am glued to my chair...unable to do anything but take it all in.
*When I hear a song that brings me to my knees, literally and figuratively
*When I am in yoga class or dance class and can fully appreciate and be aware of the inner workings of my body...and how it has the potential to strengthen itself and heal itself
*My son has clearly accepted Jesus' message. He wants to know as much as he can about God, about truth and actually told me that God is powerful and more important than anything else.
*When I am able to speak with clear confidence about what I do know, sometimes unaware of the words coming out of my mouth as I say them...
*When I am in a situation that seems normal to others, but I experience something else...grief more often than not, for what I see.
Things that happen to me as I continue my search and invest in my life this way?
*I am haunted by terrible scary dreams (wonder what opposing force enables that)
*I am constantly distracted
*I doubt my ability to get through all the stuff i want to get through
*Feelings of inadequacy
*Fear
*Confusion.
*sadness
I realized recently that I experience those things because the "opposing force" does not want me to reach my full potential. This means there is something to do...there is a purpose for my life, for everyone's life.
I have nothing to lose if I am wrong about everything I've stated. I have NOTHING to lose if Christ isn't real, if God isn't real, if the Bible is a load of stories randomly put together. But I believe it and live by it (attempt). If I am right I have everything, everything to gain.
I had a few years of total and complete security in my beliefs in my early/mid 20's, having learned a lot about Christianity, the Bible (that used to sit in a drawer,dusty), developing lifelong friendships with people of similar beliefs, etc. This was a huge development in my life. This came after experiencing many people with beliefs that differed greatly from mine. I took as much as I could in, knowing some day I would be accountable to myself for it all...for weighing the experiences of others against my own.... So by the time I invested in Christianity for the second go-round (high school was the first round), I meant it totally. No pretending, no mother yanking me to church on Sunday after a late night w/ friends, no facades, just everyone sincere in their desire to learn about the truth of it all. Then gradually (though it seems so fast) we all grew up, got married, had children, grew apart in a lot of ways...however these are still people I can go to at any point, day or night, for what I know is the truest of friendships.
What drives me...and drives me nearly insane...is this deep nagging to continue.....because human life does not go on forever and I desperately want mine to count for something. A lifetime achievement award? No thanks. Not what I mean.
Background for my intensity: Sometime - in 2006 - to be exact, I started to find it harder to deal with lots of things, started to question a lot of things (it literally just happened...one thought led to another) - and my life changed a lot. Maybe it was the mental, emotional and spiritual weight of being responsible for another human (micah was just 1 then)...I think that had a lot to do with so much. At one point I questioned the Bible's validity, the whole concept of God. I probably spent several months ignoring what had been ingrained in my heart...ignoring the prodding, the leading that I had become familiar with. It wasn't always constant, but when it was there, it was clear as a bell. But I ignored it all. I was committed to being "confused."
I have allowed the gaps in my knowledge to overtake the way I function. Ater realizing (long journey) it wasn't Christ or Christianity I was grappling with (Jesus is the only major leader/prophet who has been recorded as coming back to life), I realized that I was really, truly and embarrassingly uneducated. I was/am grappling with myself. My ability to back myself up...the provability of it all...the historical support, the theology....the facts. Well...I knew quite a bit...but not enough to fight a tough battle or even argue for very long in a room of thinkers, of intelligent, thoroughly thought, well, thoughts...and hey, I like these kinds of people. I hope I am considered one of these people someday...so there was work to be done...there is work to be done. I remain full of gaps...but the complete parts must be what drives me to fill in the blanks...oh does this make sense? Oh LORD will I find myself in seminary courses soon? I won't say no.
Why can't I just let things roll? Let the unknown remain unknown? Let it all just be? Just can't. Those on neutral territory, who claim nothing, may smile at my attempts to figure it out, may truly appreciate it even. I know that I truly appreciate anyone who attempts to figure life out...
I can't imagine taking a breath and living the next 50 years without understanding. Why bother with anything otherwise? Just wake up, occupy myself with a job, medicate or numb myself with some substance (a nice white is what I prefer) or stay so busy I don't have time to think? Or, I could remain neutral. I could take the stance that whatever anyone believes in some way is right, that all paths lead to the truth, eventually. Then that would take me off the hook of having to really think or try.
Thoughts:
Religion - I am currently reading Ravi Zacharius' "Jesus Among Other Gods" because, well, like I said it's not that I don't believe in Jesus. I have spent most of my life trying to learn about him through the Christian faith. It's just that I have met people so influenced by THEIR different faiths that it threw me a bit (I am not talking Baptist vs. Presbyterian). I want to know what I know for sure, 100%. Not because I want to say "I'm right, your wrong, so there." But's it's because I want to truly understand it all. I want to live peacefully in this world, do waht it is I am meant to do, and if I figure it out, maybe tell a few folks:) It's possible if I try, right?
In this book, and I have only scratched the surface, I identify completely with the following statements by Zacharius:
"All religions are not the same. All religions do not point to God. All religions DO NOT say that all religions are the same. At the heart of EVERY religion is an uncompromising commitment to a particular way of defining who God is or is not and accordingly, of defining life's purpose."
My interpretation? Ditto. The driving force behind my decision to dive in and figure it out. So and so is Catholic, so and so is Presby, so and so is muslim, 7th day adventist, mormon, methodist, yadda yadda. HOW can it all be right? Too hard of a question? - can't be. The differences minor? Well then why SO many different churches...that does not say unity or minor difference to me.
"Anyone who claims that all religions are the same betrays not only an ignorance of all religions but also a caricatured view of even the best-known ones. Every religion at its core is exclusive."
My interpretation/thoughts? How much easier would it be to just chalk it all up this way...to say...worship however you wish, believe what you will, follow bits and pieces here and there, whatever means the most to you, whatever speaks to you, and it will all be right in the end. HOW COULD THIS BE? Many religions that claim the christian faith utilize the Bible. I have read enough of the Bible, many, many times, to know that it clearly states what it means to be a Christian...and it's actually VERY simple...but we crap it all up with STUFF that isn't in the Bible..
I try to envision what others might think. Here's my best guess. I anticipate that after reading this some might think "ok, she's a christian. Most of America is Christian. What's the big deal?" The big deal is that Christianity is based on believing in Jesus Christ, becoming christ-like by asking him into your life... as stated in the Bible ( we were made with choice, free will). While many have distorted this by adding, taking away or ignoring totally, it remains a truth in my life.
I know some Christians who simply need little more than the story of Jesus to believe. Fine...swell...I am sure God appreciates those easy converts:) sorry. I am not one. If Jesus is not going to show up in my bedroom tonight and show himself to me in the physical sense, then surely he will show himself to me in other ways ( I need him to show up in other ways)...and if I think for a minute...he already has:
* many times I will read the words of the Bible outloud during Bible studies or even to myself or my son and my voice will crack from the weight of teh power of the words. I simply can't get them out without crumbling...i am always humbled.
*when I listen to a passionate teacher or preacher and see their sweat, their tears, their urgency to tell their audience what they know...without expecting anything in return...and I am glued to my chair...unable to do anything but take it all in.
*When I hear a song that brings me to my knees, literally and figuratively
*When I am in yoga class or dance class and can fully appreciate and be aware of the inner workings of my body...and how it has the potential to strengthen itself and heal itself
*My son has clearly accepted Jesus' message. He wants to know as much as he can about God, about truth and actually told me that God is powerful and more important than anything else.
*When I am able to speak with clear confidence about what I do know, sometimes unaware of the words coming out of my mouth as I say them...
*When I am in a situation that seems normal to others, but I experience something else...grief more often than not, for what I see.
Things that happen to me as I continue my search and invest in my life this way?
*I am haunted by terrible scary dreams (wonder what opposing force enables that)
*I am constantly distracted
*I doubt my ability to get through all the stuff i want to get through
*Feelings of inadequacy
*Fear
*Confusion.
*sadness
I realized recently that I experience those things because the "opposing force" does not want me to reach my full potential. This means there is something to do...there is a purpose for my life, for everyone's life.
I have nothing to lose if I am wrong about everything I've stated. I have NOTHING to lose if Christ isn't real, if God isn't real, if the Bible is a load of stories randomly put together. But I believe it and live by it (attempt). If I am right I have everything, everything to gain.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Finding Everything Hard...
...I am finding it harder and harder to find things to be happy about lately. The more I watch television, the harder it gets to envision my son's future without it being riddled by perversion of some sort. I can't possibly watch any more reality shows about musicians or ex porn stars who have started their lives over. For a MINUTE I thought I may have loved Brett Michaels too - but then I watched his tongue go down multiple penthouse throats and thought I was going to be sick. And how is it that every cast off gets his/her own show? What is the world coming to? Seriously? Seriously.
I can go deeper here, but I am not going to. I am too tired and too irritated.
Signing off!
I can go deeper here, but I am not going to. I am too tired and too irritated.
Signing off!
Monday, March 30, 2009
a little movement, please
Every so often I will get an immense ache to move my body. I am thankful for that. It reminds me that I CAN move my body, that I am NOT sick or suffering from anything. I studied dance for so many years...and still, at 30, after 6 or so years of NOT taking dance regularly...miss it like crazy.
What do I miss? The cuts, the blisters, the chunks of skin or even maybe a toenail being removed? Well, yeah, sort of. I have a few scars on my toes from the years I took pointe. I remember the first time I put a pair of pointe shoes on at 15 I loved them. I begged my mom at 10 to let me take pointe, but she had some crazy notion that it was bad for me:) Yes, I am standing on the very, very tips of my toes, my arches forced to their maximum. So what? I felt like a giselle....even though I was a VERY VERY late bloomer in ballet, I loved every second at that barre. I loved the style, the strictness, the challenge it was to make every movement appear effortless.
I took dance at the average "tap and twirl" as my old NC Dance Theatre friends called it - through middle school. Tap and Jazz was my focus...I was good at it...or as good at that studio was. But I always knew it was a part of me, that it was more to me than it was to most. i didn't care about the costumes or the performance as much as the process. My body could do this?!
Then in high school I was exposed to modern dance. Barefoot. Totally feeling the floor with my entire foot. This wasn't so stylized, but yet equally if not more challenging to my muscles. There are all different modern dance techniques and I loved them ALL. I was HOOKED. I could be inventive while using my technique. I remember my freshman year in college we had a guest teacher ( I was a dance minor just because I could NOT give it up to take poli sci like every other communications major) and she took us through a combination of steps. I have great difficulty picking up series of movements quickly. I always get nervous and try hard to remember the series, but.... I need them over and over again...but I still did what I could. I will never forget her saying "you love modern dance. I can see it in every inch of your body. Keep trying." And so I did. I was on air after that comment...like someone could see my insides!
In the grande scheme of things, I was/am an average dancer physically...but mentally, I was more. It's a part of me. I feel the urge to move and yet have that total peace at the same time...that's dance for me...EXTREME everything...physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I mean..God gave me this love and ability to dance. I even see it in my son. I do not dance in front of him. He's been to a dance studio a handful of times. He ADORES it. He has a natural inclination toward different beats, is actually very coordinated and graceful and quite flexible. Naturally. God passed that down to him too. How neat. That's how it happens I guess. I wonder if he'll ever wish to take a class. He tells me all the time he loves ballerinas...but then he burps and does something so nuts...he's perplexing!
So here I am...again with the itch. I need to find some classes that fit my schedule...ergh. Motherhood and personal desires don't always go hand in hand. I have learned a lot about myself the past 4 years...what I am willing to give up, what I am not. Mostly everything that I thought was important or necessary was not after having Micah. Dance was such a huge part of my life for so long...that I allowed it to affect so much even when I clearly was off on a different educational and career path...some were healthy affects, some were not.
Overall, though...I am learning to appreciate the human body more and more as I get older. I am FINALLY AAAAAAAAAAAAAALmost comfortable in my own skin. So what if I am the 70 year old lady in tights? haaa. That sounds just like me.
What do I miss? The cuts, the blisters, the chunks of skin or even maybe a toenail being removed? Well, yeah, sort of. I have a few scars on my toes from the years I took pointe. I remember the first time I put a pair of pointe shoes on at 15 I loved them. I begged my mom at 10 to let me take pointe, but she had some crazy notion that it was bad for me:) Yes, I am standing on the very, very tips of my toes, my arches forced to their maximum. So what? I felt like a giselle....even though I was a VERY VERY late bloomer in ballet, I loved every second at that barre. I loved the style, the strictness, the challenge it was to make every movement appear effortless.
I took dance at the average "tap and twirl" as my old NC Dance Theatre friends called it - through middle school. Tap and Jazz was my focus...I was good at it...or as good at that studio was. But I always knew it was a part of me, that it was more to me than it was to most. i didn't care about the costumes or the performance as much as the process. My body could do this?!
Then in high school I was exposed to modern dance. Barefoot. Totally feeling the floor with my entire foot. This wasn't so stylized, but yet equally if not more challenging to my muscles. There are all different modern dance techniques and I loved them ALL. I was HOOKED. I could be inventive while using my technique. I remember my freshman year in college we had a guest teacher ( I was a dance minor just because I could NOT give it up to take poli sci like every other communications major) and she took us through a combination of steps. I have great difficulty picking up series of movements quickly. I always get nervous and try hard to remember the series, but.... I need them over and over again...but I still did what I could. I will never forget her saying "you love modern dance. I can see it in every inch of your body. Keep trying." And so I did. I was on air after that comment...like someone could see my insides!
In the grande scheme of things, I was/am an average dancer physically...but mentally, I was more. It's a part of me. I feel the urge to move and yet have that total peace at the same time...that's dance for me...EXTREME everything...physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I mean..God gave me this love and ability to dance. I even see it in my son. I do not dance in front of him. He's been to a dance studio a handful of times. He ADORES it. He has a natural inclination toward different beats, is actually very coordinated and graceful and quite flexible. Naturally. God passed that down to him too. How neat. That's how it happens I guess. I wonder if he'll ever wish to take a class. He tells me all the time he loves ballerinas...but then he burps and does something so nuts...he's perplexing!
So here I am...again with the itch. I need to find some classes that fit my schedule...ergh. Motherhood and personal desires don't always go hand in hand. I have learned a lot about myself the past 4 years...what I am willing to give up, what I am not. Mostly everything that I thought was important or necessary was not after having Micah. Dance was such a huge part of my life for so long...that I allowed it to affect so much even when I clearly was off on a different educational and career path...some were healthy affects, some were not.
Overall, though...I am learning to appreciate the human body more and more as I get older. I am FINALLY AAAAAAAAAAAAAALmost comfortable in my own skin. So what if I am the 70 year old lady in tights? haaa. That sounds just like me.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Do I Expect Too Much?
I have had a lot of things happen to me and around me at the ripe old age of 30 that make me wonder if I expect too much overall - from everyone and everything, including myself. My report cards as a child always showed straight A's...well mostly...but the reports would say that I was a "worry wart" and a "perfectionist". Obviously it was a bit of an issue if I was making A's and a teacher thought to tell my parents. Hmm. I think I must have carried that through my whole life...for whatever reason.... I do NOT like to disappoint ANYONE and I am afraid of all sorts of things. As a cutie patootie 5 year old told me today " That's RUBBISH." How true...but how hard to stop.
I am the product of a public school system that doesn't exactly have the best reputation...but came out seemingly unscathed. But it is b/c of that negative reputation that I find myself questioning my abilities...time and time again. Am I really smart or just smarter than Joe-Smoe next to me? Yes I graduated 7th in my high school class, but if you compared me to someone from another area, I wouldn't be in the same league intellectually - right?! I don't know. I DO know that I try really hard at everything, am more than fairly bright and have a deep desire to know more and more...about EVERYTHING. However...I am 30..and should know better when it comes to my son. I have recently caught myself expecting my 3, almost 4 year old, to have it all together, to know more than the average runny nose kid. What is WRONG with me?
Well. Sometimes I wonder if that's not what's "right" with me. People don't give kids enough credit. They know and absorb SO much more than we give them credit for...IF you take the time to watch and understand your child. I remember reading that although they can't speak, babies understand everything you say by 6 months of age...or something like that. It was that knowledge that led me to believe that I was right in discipling a baby and toddler. I remember the first time I ever disciplined him...and it was before he was 1. The moment I asked him to do something and he looked at me and did the opposite...I knew the battle of wills had begun!!! I remember thinking HOLY CRAP this is young for him to defy me...someday he'll actually speak sentences, be sarcastic (it's inevitable in my family line)and THEN what will I do? I am there now.
Every day is a battle. I used to get really really caught up in it. It would make me miserable. When Micah was younger, he wasn't able to reason...he felt a certain way and he reacted...period. When he was an infant/baby, he cried to get what he wanted. We taught him a few sign language words, thinking it would help him communicate....which it did...but he always signed "MORE COOKIE"...ha! No joke!
When he was a baby/toddler...he pointed and cried and said a few words. When he was a toddler, he spoke full sentences and told me - demanded things of me with no room for listening. As a preschooler...he not only informs me of his desires, but lays them out LOUD AND CLEAR. "Mommy, when I get big like you, I am NOT cleaning my toys up. That's how it will be b/c I will be in charge." Impressive. I laughed. Or there's "I can do whatever I want." THAT was learned somewhere other than our home...so to that I say "Yes, you always have a choice, but you have to pay the consequences for the bad ones." He understands but I think just likes to say things. He even has this annoying way of fluctuating his voice in a whiney way to get his point across. Ahh...he's learning how to stress certain words and not stress others to make a point. Pretty good stuff.
As I look back, I realize that I NEVER spoke baby talk. I talked in a low voice, was goofy and playful...but didn't shorten words, didn't make up words...and maybe that's why his verbal skills are so good...I don't know. Maybe God just gifted him in all sorts of ways. But I've realized that I sometimes, b/c of his great communication, expect him to act a bit older. Not that I don't love 3 year olds for the little bright things that they are...but I just realized that my son is not even 4. He has NOT BEEN ON THIS EARTH 4 years yet...how could he have his behavior down yet? I mean...when he acts out or reacts to something...it's actually quite similar to what I NATURALLY want to do.
When my parents annoy me, I WANT to yell at them...but I don't..because I have been taught to respect them.
When people disappoint me, I WANT to sulk and feel sorry for myself - but instead try to turn the other cheek and let things go. This doesn't always work for me.
When I am annoyed, I WANT to bite the head off of anyone close to me...but I instead walk away and fume until I can return to the room an adult.
When I open my fridge and see chicken - AGAIN - I want to DEMAND pizza or pasta and want to eat out.
When I see someone wronged, a justice not served...I feel a strong desire to get in someone's face and serve justice, so to speak...but instead...I have learned to pray for the situation.
It has taken me THIRTY years to get here...I just listed what I REALLY want to do in certain circumstances...it's no different than what my son does naturally. I am trying to help him through his natural reaction so that he can live AMONG PEOPLE in peace - or at least in a rational manner - when he grows up. Simple as that. I sometimes expect him to know so much, to take what I said and run with it instead of forgetting it. But he's not EVEN 4!
I am not beyond telling my son I am sorry. I did it several times this week. I love him so much. Thinking of him, only one room away - I miss him. He is light and life and everything that is right in my world. I think I may need to take a step back and appreciate the intelligent, fairly well controlled boy that he is and just PLAY with him:)
Micah Gabriel Carper...will he EVER know how much I love him? Probably not.
I am the product of a public school system that doesn't exactly have the best reputation...but came out seemingly unscathed. But it is b/c of that negative reputation that I find myself questioning my abilities...time and time again. Am I really smart or just smarter than Joe-Smoe next to me? Yes I graduated 7th in my high school class, but if you compared me to someone from another area, I wouldn't be in the same league intellectually - right?! I don't know. I DO know that I try really hard at everything, am more than fairly bright and have a deep desire to know more and more...about EVERYTHING. However...I am 30..and should know better when it comes to my son. I have recently caught myself expecting my 3, almost 4 year old, to have it all together, to know more than the average runny nose kid. What is WRONG with me?
Well. Sometimes I wonder if that's not what's "right" with me. People don't give kids enough credit. They know and absorb SO much more than we give them credit for...IF you take the time to watch and understand your child. I remember reading that although they can't speak, babies understand everything you say by 6 months of age...or something like that. It was that knowledge that led me to believe that I was right in discipling a baby and toddler. I remember the first time I ever disciplined him...and it was before he was 1. The moment I asked him to do something and he looked at me and did the opposite...I knew the battle of wills had begun!!! I remember thinking HOLY CRAP this is young for him to defy me...someday he'll actually speak sentences, be sarcastic (it's inevitable in my family line)and THEN what will I do? I am there now.
Every day is a battle. I used to get really really caught up in it. It would make me miserable. When Micah was younger, he wasn't able to reason...he felt a certain way and he reacted...period. When he was an infant/baby, he cried to get what he wanted. We taught him a few sign language words, thinking it would help him communicate....which it did...but he always signed "MORE COOKIE"...ha! No joke!
When he was a baby/toddler...he pointed and cried and said a few words. When he was a toddler, he spoke full sentences and told me - demanded things of me with no room for listening. As a preschooler...he not only informs me of his desires, but lays them out LOUD AND CLEAR. "Mommy, when I get big like you, I am NOT cleaning my toys up. That's how it will be b/c I will be in charge." Impressive. I laughed. Or there's "I can do whatever I want." THAT was learned somewhere other than our home...so to that I say "Yes, you always have a choice, but you have to pay the consequences for the bad ones." He understands but I think just likes to say things. He even has this annoying way of fluctuating his voice in a whiney way to get his point across. Ahh...he's learning how to stress certain words and not stress others to make a point. Pretty good stuff.
As I look back, I realize that I NEVER spoke baby talk. I talked in a low voice, was goofy and playful...but didn't shorten words, didn't make up words...and maybe that's why his verbal skills are so good...I don't know. Maybe God just gifted him in all sorts of ways. But I've realized that I sometimes, b/c of his great communication, expect him to act a bit older. Not that I don't love 3 year olds for the little bright things that they are...but I just realized that my son is not even 4. He has NOT BEEN ON THIS EARTH 4 years yet...how could he have his behavior down yet? I mean...when he acts out or reacts to something...it's actually quite similar to what I NATURALLY want to do.
When my parents annoy me, I WANT to yell at them...but I don't..because I have been taught to respect them.
When people disappoint me, I WANT to sulk and feel sorry for myself - but instead try to turn the other cheek and let things go. This doesn't always work for me.
When I am annoyed, I WANT to bite the head off of anyone close to me...but I instead walk away and fume until I can return to the room an adult.
When I open my fridge and see chicken - AGAIN - I want to DEMAND pizza or pasta and want to eat out.
When I see someone wronged, a justice not served...I feel a strong desire to get in someone's face and serve justice, so to speak...but instead...I have learned to pray for the situation.
It has taken me THIRTY years to get here...I just listed what I REALLY want to do in certain circumstances...it's no different than what my son does naturally. I am trying to help him through his natural reaction so that he can live AMONG PEOPLE in peace - or at least in a rational manner - when he grows up. Simple as that. I sometimes expect him to know so much, to take what I said and run with it instead of forgetting it. But he's not EVEN 4!
I am not beyond telling my son I am sorry. I did it several times this week. I love him so much. Thinking of him, only one room away - I miss him. He is light and life and everything that is right in my world. I think I may need to take a step back and appreciate the intelligent, fairly well controlled boy that he is and just PLAY with him:)
Micah Gabriel Carper...will he EVER know how much I love him? Probably not.
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