I was just sitting here thinking about the workload I've been under. Every minute of every day for the past week has been calculated - what can I do in 15 minutes? What can I do in 3 hours, before I have to pick my son up from preschool? How late can I stay up and how much can I get done to keep my clients happy? When will I get a break or when will I figure it all out? What am I supposed to do with my business? After all, my business came to be literally over night. How far can I take it (if left to my own powers, I'd be a workaholic, like my dad) while being the mother of a preschooler? Am I doing a good job? Do people think I am smart? Am I a quality worker? Does my son feel neglected? Does he know how much I love him while I stare at him over my laptop, juggling various clients and responsibilities?
What I do know is this. Every sentence above has been about me. I've been self absorbed and I hate it. I loathe it. I haven't even thought about how my husband feels with me so focused on what I have to do. Usually our conversations revolve around what I have to do that night to make sure MY job is done and that MY clients are happy. It has to be done, sure...I have to meet deadlines...I have to get teh work done in admittedly horribly small amounts of time...but I need to be more concious of the "partner" that I am to him.
That being said...and I realize I have concepts all over the place that I find difficult to put words to in order to string together, so bare with me. This recent stress has made it occur to me that there may be a completely different plan for my life than what I've been, well, planning, and I happy to hear it. HAPPY. I know deep inside, beyond any doubt, that I want to do work that is much more significant. Work that changes things....while that can happen in the smallest ways, I have always known that someday I'd be involved in something a bit more extreme. I don't know when that day will come...but I do think about it quite often.
I think it's part of the reason I am so focused on life's big concepts. I have been attending and am now, as of a month ago, a member of Community Bible Church, a church that has a huge following and is sometimes referred to a legalistic and a cult. I think it's because it addresses those big concepts over and over and over...very clearly. I also know it's because of the fact that its pastor, pastor Carl Broggi, is an incredibly strong man who is, to my knowledge, the most thorough, capable teacher of the Bible that I have ever come across. Do I love everything about the church? No way. Do I worship Carl Broggi? NO WAY. Does he want me to worship him? Absolutely NOT. But I do love Carl's teachings and feel thoroughly taught at the end of every sermon. Everything I could want or need is at my fingertips. I attended there as a teenager and actually have several hurtful memories that I have allowed, for a time, to keep me from really being comfortable there. In a nutshell, I was focusing on people who have hurt me, not on God. I have grown quite a bit as a person over the past year and have put it all behind me. I have an email that I sent to some friends about my decision, my family's decision, to join that church and I'll post it (when I find it) to give some additional background. Trust me...it wasn't easy to swallow the fact that I knew several eye brows would go up when I made that decision. I am not one to stir the pot - especially with friends and people of different beliefs - eagerly...
Back to the big stuff. A recurring theme in my writings is my search for answers...and speculation on the human race and its attempts to find them as well...
Some things are easy to find parallels with, others not so much. One example is yoga. I have been taking yoga classes for several months now, some teachers more focused on a spiritual aspect than others. I know enough about the spiritual foundations of yoga to know that it many times is in direct opposition to scripture, the only source of instruction that I trust. Does that scare me? No. I have a body that physically needs to be taken care of. The physical benefits of yoga are amazing and I've always been aware of that as a dancer. I have not, until this weekend, felt any sort of, well, anything regarding yoga's spiritual roots. I mean, take a class at the YMCA or a local fitness center and more often than not, it's just about the physical practice. Find a private studio with a teacher whose life is yoga and the experience is very different.
I realize many are focused on their individual spiritual journeys, whatever they may be, while practicing (I almost sound like I buy into that concept...just give me a second). The chanting (I don't pretend to know enough about it to really speculate)and the acknowledgement of humanity and life and all that is good is, well, good. I can appreciate that. I was in a class this weekend where the teacher was very good...and what he taught was very fun and physical....but something in me wasn't at ease. I told myself I was being stupid. I did my best to take it all in, to try to really be "in" the experience, even though the chanting and some of the things being said made me uncomfortable. Things that were not bad, so to speak, but things that just made me, well...see a bit clearer the things I don't always wish to see. There were references to the universe, blanket statements about God, how we are all on this journey together, however we see it, however we take it, etc. At one point we were told to acknowledge our higher beings and that's when I felt that pain. That pain in my heart that while I don't want to feel it - it comes. My stomach tightens, without my doing, and I am overwhelmed with grief because I know this...THERE IS ONLY ONE HIGHER POWER and HE is who we are to honor. I would not be honoring God by honoring myself...no matter how I tried to distort it. I could be thankful to God for my body, but honoring myself instead of a direct "what up God, thanks so much for creating me" is very different. So instead of praising myself, I thanked the Lord for my body, for my health and prayed for those, including my mother, who did not have the physical capabilities that I did. DId I expect everyone to feel the same? Absolutely not. That would be ignorant of me and pretty obnoxious. Certainly not everyone in there is this "mere christianity" gal (thx again, C.S. Lewis) that I am....though I ache for them to be...to see.
What's the big deal, right? So you say some really comforting words, some things that everyone can identify with and feel good about and get a fabulous physical workout in teh process. Yes. Those are good things. But for me, who has spent the past 2 years really digging around my own brain and heart...testing my current knowledge against old and learning all the time...this was not good for me. Well, actually, I guess it was good for me. It challenged me to get stronger. The teacher made reference, very respectfully to a religious man he came across on his journey here and very quickly commented that they were the "same"...both sharing their different beliefs, respecting one another, etc. He was trying to find common ground and that is great. He essentially said he and the jehovah's witness were the same because God/the universe is everything and we all find him a different way. He had some great points...about how any kind of mission brings about service, etc, and that is true. Hell, the fact that this teacher was in town was part of a "mission" to raise money for african villages. I thought of missionaries, of the homeless and abused, of the starving....and.... of this passage from "Jesus Among Other Gods" (i've referenced this before, I am guilty of not having finished this book yet, so this is what I got):
"All religions are not the same. All religions do not point to God. All religions DO NOT say that all religions are the same. At the heart of EVERY religion is an uncompromising commitment to a particular way of defining who God is or is not and accordingly, of defining life's purpose." Ravi Zacharius
But here it is, again. Is the purpose of our lives, of the human race, to find ways to be peaceful with our different beliefs during our time on earth? Is that it? To find ways to end war so that we live harmoniously, regardless of our beliefs? We can all do and be what we want peacefully? That's the American dream isn't it? Kinda? That sounds wonderful, and I wish it were that way. I wish everyone I loved and have yet to love no harm, no pain, no suffering. But the scripture is very clear that there is only ONE method, one way to God. That is through His Son, the ulimate sacrifice who paid it all, once and for all, Jesus Christ. We are also free agents to believe or not to believe.
I was thinking, with the aid of one of Dr. Broggi's sermon's ringing in my head, about Jesus. I have read countless words about Him. I have asked Him to change my life, to show me how to live my life and WHY? Because if history is true, if the Bible is true (and I say if lightly...) then Jesus is the prime example, source, giver of love and life. I didn't pray to a dead memory of a great man, I prayed to a living God to change me. If Jesus is God's son, part of the trinity - Father, Son, Holy Spirit - the Bible says He "is" God. Omnipresent. If He was able to make it through his human life and suffer all that he did, why would I not believe that it would be ideal to follow him? Surely he had some serious self control and strength, right?
Jesus, as a toddler, preschooler, child, teenager and adult ALWAYS knew the sequence of events that were to occur. He KNEW as a carpenter, every single time he hammered a nail that He would die by nails forced into and through his hands. He knew, everytime he smelled a rose, that He would gush blood from a crown of thorns being pressed into his head. And He knew, every day of his human life the physical pain he would have to endure to bridge the gap between the human race and a Holy perfect God. He spoke of his impending death so many times...and still served, taught and loved...every day of his human life. There's a passage that says that Jesus was found praying many times...knowing what his human fate was to be...the brutal death he would die..
Luke 22:42 states that Jesus asked God to "remove this cup from him". His cup was that he was going to BE MADE SIN and suffer the wrath of God on the cross. I'm sure a good number of people remeber the words, or something like it that say "Jesus Paid it all, all to Him I owe" But wait, He is God, so how does that work? Could he just say "screw it" and blow the whole world up and not suffer that way? Sure could. I will have to check for sure, but I think I remember reading that there were legions of angels ready to relieve Him at ANY time from this suffering (think about it...you love someone, they suffer, you have the power to stop it, at their word....you are on guard ready to fight!)But He loved us instead.
His "cup" was that he knew he would be seperated from God, as a member of the Trinity, in order to pay the debt, he had to be the object, for numerous blood gushing, painful, tortourous hours, of God's hatred and wrath, on a cross. It wasn't the PAIN he feared, but teh seperation from God, even for moments. I am sure Jesus would have been interested in another way, an alternative way to pay the world's debt...but that was never the plan and he accepted that. He knew it was to happen, so even as he was mocked while bleeding on the cross, he said nothing in his defense because it was supposed to happen. Nothing in the Bible contradicts that. There must be something HUGE to bridge the gap (Jesus) between imperfect people and a perfect God.....
So back to my yoga experience. That "pain" I felt was the pure knowledge that so many are told that anything is ok and acceptable and that absolutes are wrong or at the very least, worth an eyebrow raise and some talk behind the back. That we "all get there in our own way." My skin is hot right now as I am typing hoping I can get this out correctly....
While I wish it were that way, it's not. If it were that way, then Jesus DIED FOR NO REASON. He suffered that tortorous death for NO REASON. If we could earn our way to heaven, if we could do some cool rituals and say some great, good feeling words then JESUS DIED IN VAIN. And that hurts me. And I am glad that I felt pain this weekend because it shows me that my struggles, my earnest seeking has been for THE truth. Why else would I feel that way? Like I said, none of those words were negative or bad...on the surface....
Jesus died his human death at age 33 I believe. I am two years shy of that. I think about myself. If I knew, my entire life, what I was to suffer...how horrible of a death I was to die and how much it would hurt....what would all the days before include? Would I hate everyone around me...those I could see through who would tellme they loved me but didn't? Would I have at the very least a bad attitude, a fearful heart, a sharp word? Would I think that everyone around me, mom, dad, brother, husband, son and friends weren't enough to bear that pain or even worth it? I'd like to say no.
BUT AGAIN. It was NOT the pain that caused Jesus to ask God to remove this " cup" from him. He didn't say "God, this is going to hurt so badly, this is too excruciating of a punishment...please." It was that he could not bear the thought of the seperation from God for even a moment in order to "receive" the punishment. Seperation had to take place for unification to be possible. Amazing. I didn't understand this until recently. Actually, at one time I thought that if crucifixion was how they killed ppl back then, then what was so special about Jesus dying that way? Two others died beside him that day...remember the visual of the three crosses?
And even today...as I sit here chewing on the fact that I very well may sound insane to those who have never been affected by the scriptures, who are not worshipping God or really believing in anything...I smile and bite my lip in sadness at the same time that I am DECIDEDLY DIFFERENT.
That's all I can pour out of my head right now. I don't really get that many comments, and that's ok. I don't even know who is reading this. I know that it's healing to me, it's necessary to me...and so...here it is....
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
WHY?
I'm have a day when every muscle in my body is aching...ok really just my back. But it was bad. I had to go to the chiropractor and a massage therapist within a couple of hours! I think it's stress related and the fact that I am always on this computer!
Anyhow...just randomly typing here...I am on day two of really feeling bad about myself. Really. I look at my pictures and see legs that are larger than I want them to be and arms that are softer than I wish. Those two things, coupled with some business stuff that really threw me for a loop yesterday, just kinda got me down on a very girly, human level. And I HATE IT.
If I could, I WOULD exercise all the time. I absolutely LOVE it. All of it...the bursts of energy, the lack of energy, the soreness, etc. I would take dance classes all the time... My body hasn't changed that much in the past 10 years. I think I actually might be stronger now than ever...but that mirror...oh that mirror..
There was a time when I would have beaten myself up a lot more than I am now for very minor things and I thank God I don't really know how to do that anymore.
I am thankful for my health and my life and while I am capable of some really deep thoughts and have an ability to write novels about them (hope this isn't the first blog of mine that you've read), I am riddled with self conciousness right now. Odd isn't it? I'll get over it...soon...tomorrow...I hope:)
Anyhow...just randomly typing here...I am on day two of really feeling bad about myself. Really. I look at my pictures and see legs that are larger than I want them to be and arms that are softer than I wish. Those two things, coupled with some business stuff that really threw me for a loop yesterday, just kinda got me down on a very girly, human level. And I HATE IT.
If I could, I WOULD exercise all the time. I absolutely LOVE it. All of it...the bursts of energy, the lack of energy, the soreness, etc. I would take dance classes all the time... My body hasn't changed that much in the past 10 years. I think I actually might be stronger now than ever...but that mirror...oh that mirror..
There was a time when I would have beaten myself up a lot more than I am now for very minor things and I thank God I don't really know how to do that anymore.
I am thankful for my health and my life and while I am capable of some really deep thoughts and have an ability to write novels about them (hope this isn't the first blog of mine that you've read), I am riddled with self conciousness right now. Odd isn't it? I'll get over it...soon...tomorrow...I hope:)
Friday, July 24, 2009
Not Finished...but I want to Finish Well.
My heart is currently under construction. The past 48 hours have been quite hectic, forcing me to think and deal with life on an eternal level.
I don't know what will come of this, what I will be/feel like next week. I hope I getter a bigger dose of whatever I've got right now.
I woke up this morning, literally, with the lyrics from this song in my head:
You have redeemed my soul
From the pit of emptiness
You have redeemt my soul from death
I was a hungry child a dried up river
I was a burned out forest
And no one could do anything for me
But You put food in my boddy
Fill water in my dryed bed
And to my blackened branches
You brought the springtime
Green of new life
And nothing is impossibleFor You
We all have an instinctive "hole" in our hearts the moment we are born. Find me SOMEONE, ANYONE who doesn't ask at least once, "is there a God" "is there something to worship". If the question is not asked, it's felt. To what do I owe my allegience? The earth? Animals? People? Choices are made. Fame, fortune, presidents, leaders, musicians...are they worthy of worship? What do I choose above all else? What drives me to do what I do?
Switchfoot sings "This is Your Life. Are you Who You Want to Be?" My answer is NO. I recently went to a class, yep at church, that asked if we wanted to finish well. Yes, above ALL else, I want to finish well.
“Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:28-31 (NIV).
I don't know what will come of this, what I will be/feel like next week. I hope I getter a bigger dose of whatever I've got right now.
I woke up this morning, literally, with the lyrics from this song in my head:
You have redeemed my soul
From the pit of emptiness
You have redeemt my soul from death
I was a hungry child a dried up river
I was a burned out forest
And no one could do anything for me
But You put food in my boddy
Fill water in my dryed bed
And to my blackened branches
You brought the springtime
Green of new life
And nothing is impossibleFor You
We all have an instinctive "hole" in our hearts the moment we are born. Find me SOMEONE, ANYONE who doesn't ask at least once, "is there a God" "is there something to worship". If the question is not asked, it's felt. To what do I owe my allegience? The earth? Animals? People? Choices are made. Fame, fortune, presidents, leaders, musicians...are they worthy of worship? What do I choose above all else? What drives me to do what I do?
Switchfoot sings "This is Your Life. Are you Who You Want to Be?" My answer is NO. I recently went to a class, yep at church, that asked if we wanted to finish well. Yes, above ALL else, I want to finish well.
“Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:28-31 (NIV).
Thursday, June 4, 2009
In General...
My four year old recently said " Mommy, when I grow up, I am going to drink a beer and be silly." GULP.
Ok. I don't plan to let him live in a bubble and believe that he should be exposed and know about things...but something still bugged me.
Is it me or my husband? Do we drink so much alcohol in front of him that beer and wine have become household names? Highly doubt it....but we don't necessarily hide the occasional drink and tell him plainly what it is. I am nuts all the time alcohol free...so he saw something ELSE somewhere. I am careful to tell him that it's like sugar...it's not healthy too have too much and can make you very sick. He seems to get that.
I do, however, think I need to check the activities that I am allowing him to be a part of. Several of my friends have children, and so there are lots of bbqs and get togethers...and there is always alcohol present. When my son is with me...it's one and then done usually. But I have recently observed such an increase in alcohol intake that adult censors are way down. Lots of alcohol leads to lots of foul language and an irritable attitude when my son says "mommy, so and so said X word." I have told him that grown ups are in charge of themselves and that while our family does not say certain things, that other people may choose to be different. I literally tell him " I am not in control of what he/she says and neither are you. But please remember that we do not say those words because they are not good." He says ok and moves on. Most of the time. I DO tell him that he may come and talk to me about something he hears..so that we can get through it and he doesn't stuff it down in his heart to be repeated later. To some adults, my son is "tattle tailing"...making it hard for me to know who the adult is.
I have had this stomach ache about this issue...because it's so much more than just words. It's a representation of my parenting. How "old" do I expect my son to be? Shame on me. He's only 4. His little filter is still developing...and I am waiting for the day when he just starts repeating. I do ask the repeat offenders to please curb their language and usually get a good response, but one that is clearly lined with irritation. At first I was a bit shy about it...but now, I am pretty much over that. I used to be afraid that I would embarrass someone, seem "holier than thou", etc. I am guilty of saying a few choice words myself...way too often...but never in front of my kid...except that one time...crap. We ALL make the mistake...but I apologize to my son because I deep down DO NOT want him to grow up with a foul mouth. The soul reason I ask adults to curb their language if I have to.
At one point growing up do we forgo the nice talk and just start cursing? Probably middle school...showing your defiance, getting a reaction. I know I did...
I believe I got that in check when I read the scripture "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." I felt horrible. I didn't say I DON't curse, I am far from perfect...but I do hold myself accountable for my actions and I really, really don't want to have so much crap inside of me that only crap comes out.
I would venture to say that the majority of adults, regardless of whether they are parents and regardless of any spiritual or religious ties...agree that children have a shot at being a better human than them...and therefore try to protect what they see and hear. Right????
I guess if you see cursing as only words, then maybe it's suitable for you to drop the f-bomb or the gd's all the time...I mean...kids won't get in trouble at school for saying such things if their parents approve,right? I don't think so. I know some who teach their children to say bad things b/c I guess in some sick way it's humorous to see an innocent child with an open mind and heart say something that only an adult knows the meaning of.
Sometimes IT IS just about the kids. Sometimes family functions should truly be family friendly.
In saying all this, I have decided to return to my mother bear-ness:) There are some experiences my son shouldn't have...and it's my job to watch out for him. So there.
Ok. I don't plan to let him live in a bubble and believe that he should be exposed and know about things...but something still bugged me.
Is it me or my husband? Do we drink so much alcohol in front of him that beer and wine have become household names? Highly doubt it....but we don't necessarily hide the occasional drink and tell him plainly what it is. I am nuts all the time alcohol free...so he saw something ELSE somewhere. I am careful to tell him that it's like sugar...it's not healthy too have too much and can make you very sick. He seems to get that.
I do, however, think I need to check the activities that I am allowing him to be a part of. Several of my friends have children, and so there are lots of bbqs and get togethers...and there is always alcohol present. When my son is with me...it's one and then done usually. But I have recently observed such an increase in alcohol intake that adult censors are way down. Lots of alcohol leads to lots of foul language and an irritable attitude when my son says "mommy, so and so said X word." I have told him that grown ups are in charge of themselves and that while our family does not say certain things, that other people may choose to be different. I literally tell him " I am not in control of what he/she says and neither are you. But please remember that we do not say those words because they are not good." He says ok and moves on. Most of the time. I DO tell him that he may come and talk to me about something he hears..so that we can get through it and he doesn't stuff it down in his heart to be repeated later. To some adults, my son is "tattle tailing"...making it hard for me to know who the adult is.
I have had this stomach ache about this issue...because it's so much more than just words. It's a representation of my parenting. How "old" do I expect my son to be? Shame on me. He's only 4. His little filter is still developing...and I am waiting for the day when he just starts repeating. I do ask the repeat offenders to please curb their language and usually get a good response, but one that is clearly lined with irritation. At first I was a bit shy about it...but now, I am pretty much over that. I used to be afraid that I would embarrass someone, seem "holier than thou", etc. I am guilty of saying a few choice words myself...way too often...but never in front of my kid...except that one time...crap. We ALL make the mistake...but I apologize to my son because I deep down DO NOT want him to grow up with a foul mouth. The soul reason I ask adults to curb their language if I have to.
At one point growing up do we forgo the nice talk and just start cursing? Probably middle school...showing your defiance, getting a reaction. I know I did...
I believe I got that in check when I read the scripture "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." I felt horrible. I didn't say I DON't curse, I am far from perfect...but I do hold myself accountable for my actions and I really, really don't want to have so much crap inside of me that only crap comes out.
I would venture to say that the majority of adults, regardless of whether they are parents and regardless of any spiritual or religious ties...agree that children have a shot at being a better human than them...and therefore try to protect what they see and hear. Right????
I guess if you see cursing as only words, then maybe it's suitable for you to drop the f-bomb or the gd's all the time...I mean...kids won't get in trouble at school for saying such things if their parents approve,right? I don't think so. I know some who teach their children to say bad things b/c I guess in some sick way it's humorous to see an innocent child with an open mind and heart say something that only an adult knows the meaning of.
Sometimes IT IS just about the kids. Sometimes family functions should truly be family friendly.
In saying all this, I have decided to return to my mother bear-ness:) There are some experiences my son shouldn't have...and it's my job to watch out for him. So there.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I know what it is...
So for the past few years I've been on a very rough journey. Much of it involved daily life and struggles and much involved me just changing. Some good, some bad...some stuff still ongoing. Any and all of it related to my core being, my faith, my understanding of God.
I had a few years of total and complete security in my beliefs in my early/mid 20's, having learned a lot about Christianity, the Bible (that used to sit in a drawer,dusty), developing lifelong friendships with people of similar beliefs, etc. This was a huge development in my life. This came after experiencing many people with beliefs that differed greatly from mine. I took as much as I could in, knowing some day I would be accountable to myself for it all...for weighing the experiences of others against my own.... So by the time I invested in Christianity for the second go-round (high school was the first round), I meant it totally. No pretending, no mother yanking me to church on Sunday after a late night w/ friends, no facades, just everyone sincere in their desire to learn about the truth of it all. Then gradually (though it seems so fast) we all grew up, got married, had children, grew apart in a lot of ways...however these are still people I can go to at any point, day or night, for what I know is the truest of friendships.
What drives me...and drives me nearly insane...is this deep nagging to continue.....because human life does not go on forever and I desperately want mine to count for something. A lifetime achievement award? No thanks. Not what I mean.
Background for my intensity: Sometime - in 2006 - to be exact, I started to find it harder to deal with lots of things, started to question a lot of things (it literally just happened...one thought led to another) - and my life changed a lot. Maybe it was the mental, emotional and spiritual weight of being responsible for another human (micah was just 1 then)...I think that had a lot to do with so much. At one point I questioned the Bible's validity, the whole concept of God. I probably spent several months ignoring what had been ingrained in my heart...ignoring the prodding, the leading that I had become familiar with. It wasn't always constant, but when it was there, it was clear as a bell. But I ignored it all. I was committed to being "confused."
I have allowed the gaps in my knowledge to overtake the way I function. Ater realizing (long journey) it wasn't Christ or Christianity I was grappling with (Jesus is the only major leader/prophet who has been recorded as coming back to life), I realized that I was really, truly and embarrassingly uneducated. I was/am grappling with myself. My ability to back myself up...the provability of it all...the historical support, the theology....the facts. Well...I knew quite a bit...but not enough to fight a tough battle or even argue for very long in a room of thinkers, of intelligent, thoroughly thought, well, thoughts...and hey, I like these kinds of people. I hope I am considered one of these people someday...so there was work to be done...there is work to be done. I remain full of gaps...but the complete parts must be what drives me to fill in the blanks...oh does this make sense? Oh LORD will I find myself in seminary courses soon? I won't say no.
Why can't I just let things roll? Let the unknown remain unknown? Let it all just be? Just can't. Those on neutral territory, who claim nothing, may smile at my attempts to figure it out, may truly appreciate it even. I know that I truly appreciate anyone who attempts to figure life out...
I can't imagine taking a breath and living the next 50 years without understanding. Why bother with anything otherwise? Just wake up, occupy myself with a job, medicate or numb myself with some substance (a nice white is what I prefer) or stay so busy I don't have time to think? Or, I could remain neutral. I could take the stance that whatever anyone believes in some way is right, that all paths lead to the truth, eventually. Then that would take me off the hook of having to really think or try.
Thoughts:
Religion - I am currently reading Ravi Zacharius' "Jesus Among Other Gods" because, well, like I said it's not that I don't believe in Jesus. I have spent most of my life trying to learn about him through the Christian faith. It's just that I have met people so influenced by THEIR different faiths that it threw me a bit (I am not talking Baptist vs. Presbyterian). I want to know what I know for sure, 100%. Not because I want to say "I'm right, your wrong, so there." But's it's because I want to truly understand it all. I want to live peacefully in this world, do waht it is I am meant to do, and if I figure it out, maybe tell a few folks:) It's possible if I try, right?
In this book, and I have only scratched the surface, I identify completely with the following statements by Zacharius:
"All religions are not the same. All religions do not point to God. All religions DO NOT say that all religions are the same. At the heart of EVERY religion is an uncompromising commitment to a particular way of defining who God is or is not and accordingly, of defining life's purpose."
My interpretation? Ditto. The driving force behind my decision to dive in and figure it out. So and so is Catholic, so and so is Presby, so and so is muslim, 7th day adventist, mormon, methodist, yadda yadda. HOW can it all be right? Too hard of a question? - can't be. The differences minor? Well then why SO many different churches...that does not say unity or minor difference to me.
"Anyone who claims that all religions are the same betrays not only an ignorance of all religions but also a caricatured view of even the best-known ones. Every religion at its core is exclusive."
My interpretation/thoughts? How much easier would it be to just chalk it all up this way...to say...worship however you wish, believe what you will, follow bits and pieces here and there, whatever means the most to you, whatever speaks to you, and it will all be right in the end. HOW COULD THIS BE? Many religions that claim the christian faith utilize the Bible. I have read enough of the Bible, many, many times, to know that it clearly states what it means to be a Christian...and it's actually VERY simple...but we crap it all up with STUFF that isn't in the Bible..
I try to envision what others might think. Here's my best guess. I anticipate that after reading this some might think "ok, she's a christian. Most of America is Christian. What's the big deal?" The big deal is that Christianity is based on believing in Jesus Christ, becoming christ-like by asking him into your life... as stated in the Bible ( we were made with choice, free will). While many have distorted this by adding, taking away or ignoring totally, it remains a truth in my life.
I know some Christians who simply need little more than the story of Jesus to believe. Fine...swell...I am sure God appreciates those easy converts:) sorry. I am not one. If Jesus is not going to show up in my bedroom tonight and show himself to me in the physical sense, then surely he will show himself to me in other ways ( I need him to show up in other ways)...and if I think for a minute...he already has:
* many times I will read the words of the Bible outloud during Bible studies or even to myself or my son and my voice will crack from the weight of teh power of the words. I simply can't get them out without crumbling...i am always humbled.
*when I listen to a passionate teacher or preacher and see their sweat, their tears, their urgency to tell their audience what they know...without expecting anything in return...and I am glued to my chair...unable to do anything but take it all in.
*When I hear a song that brings me to my knees, literally and figuratively
*When I am in yoga class or dance class and can fully appreciate and be aware of the inner workings of my body...and how it has the potential to strengthen itself and heal itself
*My son has clearly accepted Jesus' message. He wants to know as much as he can about God, about truth and actually told me that God is powerful and more important than anything else.
*When I am able to speak with clear confidence about what I do know, sometimes unaware of the words coming out of my mouth as I say them...
*When I am in a situation that seems normal to others, but I experience something else...grief more often than not, for what I see.
Things that happen to me as I continue my search and invest in my life this way?
*I am haunted by terrible scary dreams (wonder what opposing force enables that)
*I am constantly distracted
*I doubt my ability to get through all the stuff i want to get through
*Feelings of inadequacy
*Fear
*Confusion.
*sadness
I realized recently that I experience those things because the "opposing force" does not want me to reach my full potential. This means there is something to do...there is a purpose for my life, for everyone's life.
I have nothing to lose if I am wrong about everything I've stated. I have NOTHING to lose if Christ isn't real, if God isn't real, if the Bible is a load of stories randomly put together. But I believe it and live by it (attempt). If I am right I have everything, everything to gain.
I had a few years of total and complete security in my beliefs in my early/mid 20's, having learned a lot about Christianity, the Bible (that used to sit in a drawer,dusty), developing lifelong friendships with people of similar beliefs, etc. This was a huge development in my life. This came after experiencing many people with beliefs that differed greatly from mine. I took as much as I could in, knowing some day I would be accountable to myself for it all...for weighing the experiences of others against my own.... So by the time I invested in Christianity for the second go-round (high school was the first round), I meant it totally. No pretending, no mother yanking me to church on Sunday after a late night w/ friends, no facades, just everyone sincere in their desire to learn about the truth of it all. Then gradually (though it seems so fast) we all grew up, got married, had children, grew apart in a lot of ways...however these are still people I can go to at any point, day or night, for what I know is the truest of friendships.
What drives me...and drives me nearly insane...is this deep nagging to continue.....because human life does not go on forever and I desperately want mine to count for something. A lifetime achievement award? No thanks. Not what I mean.
Background for my intensity: Sometime - in 2006 - to be exact, I started to find it harder to deal with lots of things, started to question a lot of things (it literally just happened...one thought led to another) - and my life changed a lot. Maybe it was the mental, emotional and spiritual weight of being responsible for another human (micah was just 1 then)...I think that had a lot to do with so much. At one point I questioned the Bible's validity, the whole concept of God. I probably spent several months ignoring what had been ingrained in my heart...ignoring the prodding, the leading that I had become familiar with. It wasn't always constant, but when it was there, it was clear as a bell. But I ignored it all. I was committed to being "confused."
I have allowed the gaps in my knowledge to overtake the way I function. Ater realizing (long journey) it wasn't Christ or Christianity I was grappling with (Jesus is the only major leader/prophet who has been recorded as coming back to life), I realized that I was really, truly and embarrassingly uneducated. I was/am grappling with myself. My ability to back myself up...the provability of it all...the historical support, the theology....the facts. Well...I knew quite a bit...but not enough to fight a tough battle or even argue for very long in a room of thinkers, of intelligent, thoroughly thought, well, thoughts...and hey, I like these kinds of people. I hope I am considered one of these people someday...so there was work to be done...there is work to be done. I remain full of gaps...but the complete parts must be what drives me to fill in the blanks...oh does this make sense? Oh LORD will I find myself in seminary courses soon? I won't say no.
Why can't I just let things roll? Let the unknown remain unknown? Let it all just be? Just can't. Those on neutral territory, who claim nothing, may smile at my attempts to figure it out, may truly appreciate it even. I know that I truly appreciate anyone who attempts to figure life out...
I can't imagine taking a breath and living the next 50 years without understanding. Why bother with anything otherwise? Just wake up, occupy myself with a job, medicate or numb myself with some substance (a nice white is what I prefer) or stay so busy I don't have time to think? Or, I could remain neutral. I could take the stance that whatever anyone believes in some way is right, that all paths lead to the truth, eventually. Then that would take me off the hook of having to really think or try.
Thoughts:
Religion - I am currently reading Ravi Zacharius' "Jesus Among Other Gods" because, well, like I said it's not that I don't believe in Jesus. I have spent most of my life trying to learn about him through the Christian faith. It's just that I have met people so influenced by THEIR different faiths that it threw me a bit (I am not talking Baptist vs. Presbyterian). I want to know what I know for sure, 100%. Not because I want to say "I'm right, your wrong, so there." But's it's because I want to truly understand it all. I want to live peacefully in this world, do waht it is I am meant to do, and if I figure it out, maybe tell a few folks:) It's possible if I try, right?
In this book, and I have only scratched the surface, I identify completely with the following statements by Zacharius:
"All religions are not the same. All religions do not point to God. All religions DO NOT say that all religions are the same. At the heart of EVERY religion is an uncompromising commitment to a particular way of defining who God is or is not and accordingly, of defining life's purpose."
My interpretation? Ditto. The driving force behind my decision to dive in and figure it out. So and so is Catholic, so and so is Presby, so and so is muslim, 7th day adventist, mormon, methodist, yadda yadda. HOW can it all be right? Too hard of a question? - can't be. The differences minor? Well then why SO many different churches...that does not say unity or minor difference to me.
"Anyone who claims that all religions are the same betrays not only an ignorance of all religions but also a caricatured view of even the best-known ones. Every religion at its core is exclusive."
My interpretation/thoughts? How much easier would it be to just chalk it all up this way...to say...worship however you wish, believe what you will, follow bits and pieces here and there, whatever means the most to you, whatever speaks to you, and it will all be right in the end. HOW COULD THIS BE? Many religions that claim the christian faith utilize the Bible. I have read enough of the Bible, many, many times, to know that it clearly states what it means to be a Christian...and it's actually VERY simple...but we crap it all up with STUFF that isn't in the Bible..
I try to envision what others might think. Here's my best guess. I anticipate that after reading this some might think "ok, she's a christian. Most of America is Christian. What's the big deal?" The big deal is that Christianity is based on believing in Jesus Christ, becoming christ-like by asking him into your life... as stated in the Bible ( we were made with choice, free will). While many have distorted this by adding, taking away or ignoring totally, it remains a truth in my life.
I know some Christians who simply need little more than the story of Jesus to believe. Fine...swell...I am sure God appreciates those easy converts:) sorry. I am not one. If Jesus is not going to show up in my bedroom tonight and show himself to me in the physical sense, then surely he will show himself to me in other ways ( I need him to show up in other ways)...and if I think for a minute...he already has:
* many times I will read the words of the Bible outloud during Bible studies or even to myself or my son and my voice will crack from the weight of teh power of the words. I simply can't get them out without crumbling...i am always humbled.
*when I listen to a passionate teacher or preacher and see their sweat, their tears, their urgency to tell their audience what they know...without expecting anything in return...and I am glued to my chair...unable to do anything but take it all in.
*When I hear a song that brings me to my knees, literally and figuratively
*When I am in yoga class or dance class and can fully appreciate and be aware of the inner workings of my body...and how it has the potential to strengthen itself and heal itself
*My son has clearly accepted Jesus' message. He wants to know as much as he can about God, about truth and actually told me that God is powerful and more important than anything else.
*When I am able to speak with clear confidence about what I do know, sometimes unaware of the words coming out of my mouth as I say them...
*When I am in a situation that seems normal to others, but I experience something else...grief more often than not, for what I see.
Things that happen to me as I continue my search and invest in my life this way?
*I am haunted by terrible scary dreams (wonder what opposing force enables that)
*I am constantly distracted
*I doubt my ability to get through all the stuff i want to get through
*Feelings of inadequacy
*Fear
*Confusion.
*sadness
I realized recently that I experience those things because the "opposing force" does not want me to reach my full potential. This means there is something to do...there is a purpose for my life, for everyone's life.
I have nothing to lose if I am wrong about everything I've stated. I have NOTHING to lose if Christ isn't real, if God isn't real, if the Bible is a load of stories randomly put together. But I believe it and live by it (attempt). If I am right I have everything, everything to gain.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Finding Everything Hard...
...I am finding it harder and harder to find things to be happy about lately. The more I watch television, the harder it gets to envision my son's future without it being riddled by perversion of some sort. I can't possibly watch any more reality shows about musicians or ex porn stars who have started their lives over. For a MINUTE I thought I may have loved Brett Michaels too - but then I watched his tongue go down multiple penthouse throats and thought I was going to be sick. And how is it that every cast off gets his/her own show? What is the world coming to? Seriously? Seriously.
I can go deeper here, but I am not going to. I am too tired and too irritated.
Signing off!
I can go deeper here, but I am not going to. I am too tired and too irritated.
Signing off!
Monday, March 30, 2009
a little movement, please
Every so often I will get an immense ache to move my body. I am thankful for that. It reminds me that I CAN move my body, that I am NOT sick or suffering from anything. I studied dance for so many years...and still, at 30, after 6 or so years of NOT taking dance regularly...miss it like crazy.
What do I miss? The cuts, the blisters, the chunks of skin or even maybe a toenail being removed? Well, yeah, sort of. I have a few scars on my toes from the years I took pointe. I remember the first time I put a pair of pointe shoes on at 15 I loved them. I begged my mom at 10 to let me take pointe, but she had some crazy notion that it was bad for me:) Yes, I am standing on the very, very tips of my toes, my arches forced to their maximum. So what? I felt like a giselle....even though I was a VERY VERY late bloomer in ballet, I loved every second at that barre. I loved the style, the strictness, the challenge it was to make every movement appear effortless.
I took dance at the average "tap and twirl" as my old NC Dance Theatre friends called it - through middle school. Tap and Jazz was my focus...I was good at it...or as good at that studio was. But I always knew it was a part of me, that it was more to me than it was to most. i didn't care about the costumes or the performance as much as the process. My body could do this?!
Then in high school I was exposed to modern dance. Barefoot. Totally feeling the floor with my entire foot. This wasn't so stylized, but yet equally if not more challenging to my muscles. There are all different modern dance techniques and I loved them ALL. I was HOOKED. I could be inventive while using my technique. I remember my freshman year in college we had a guest teacher ( I was a dance minor just because I could NOT give it up to take poli sci like every other communications major) and she took us through a combination of steps. I have great difficulty picking up series of movements quickly. I always get nervous and try hard to remember the series, but.... I need them over and over again...but I still did what I could. I will never forget her saying "you love modern dance. I can see it in every inch of your body. Keep trying." And so I did. I was on air after that comment...like someone could see my insides!
In the grande scheme of things, I was/am an average dancer physically...but mentally, I was more. It's a part of me. I feel the urge to move and yet have that total peace at the same time...that's dance for me...EXTREME everything...physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I mean..God gave me this love and ability to dance. I even see it in my son. I do not dance in front of him. He's been to a dance studio a handful of times. He ADORES it. He has a natural inclination toward different beats, is actually very coordinated and graceful and quite flexible. Naturally. God passed that down to him too. How neat. That's how it happens I guess. I wonder if he'll ever wish to take a class. He tells me all the time he loves ballerinas...but then he burps and does something so nuts...he's perplexing!
So here I am...again with the itch. I need to find some classes that fit my schedule...ergh. Motherhood and personal desires don't always go hand in hand. I have learned a lot about myself the past 4 years...what I am willing to give up, what I am not. Mostly everything that I thought was important or necessary was not after having Micah. Dance was such a huge part of my life for so long...that I allowed it to affect so much even when I clearly was off on a different educational and career path...some were healthy affects, some were not.
Overall, though...I am learning to appreciate the human body more and more as I get older. I am FINALLY AAAAAAAAAAAAAALmost comfortable in my own skin. So what if I am the 70 year old lady in tights? haaa. That sounds just like me.
What do I miss? The cuts, the blisters, the chunks of skin or even maybe a toenail being removed? Well, yeah, sort of. I have a few scars on my toes from the years I took pointe. I remember the first time I put a pair of pointe shoes on at 15 I loved them. I begged my mom at 10 to let me take pointe, but she had some crazy notion that it was bad for me:) Yes, I am standing on the very, very tips of my toes, my arches forced to their maximum. So what? I felt like a giselle....even though I was a VERY VERY late bloomer in ballet, I loved every second at that barre. I loved the style, the strictness, the challenge it was to make every movement appear effortless.
I took dance at the average "tap and twirl" as my old NC Dance Theatre friends called it - through middle school. Tap and Jazz was my focus...I was good at it...or as good at that studio was. But I always knew it was a part of me, that it was more to me than it was to most. i didn't care about the costumes or the performance as much as the process. My body could do this?!
Then in high school I was exposed to modern dance. Barefoot. Totally feeling the floor with my entire foot. This wasn't so stylized, but yet equally if not more challenging to my muscles. There are all different modern dance techniques and I loved them ALL. I was HOOKED. I could be inventive while using my technique. I remember my freshman year in college we had a guest teacher ( I was a dance minor just because I could NOT give it up to take poli sci like every other communications major) and she took us through a combination of steps. I have great difficulty picking up series of movements quickly. I always get nervous and try hard to remember the series, but.... I need them over and over again...but I still did what I could. I will never forget her saying "you love modern dance. I can see it in every inch of your body. Keep trying." And so I did. I was on air after that comment...like someone could see my insides!
In the grande scheme of things, I was/am an average dancer physically...but mentally, I was more. It's a part of me. I feel the urge to move and yet have that total peace at the same time...that's dance for me...EXTREME everything...physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I mean..God gave me this love and ability to dance. I even see it in my son. I do not dance in front of him. He's been to a dance studio a handful of times. He ADORES it. He has a natural inclination toward different beats, is actually very coordinated and graceful and quite flexible. Naturally. God passed that down to him too. How neat. That's how it happens I guess. I wonder if he'll ever wish to take a class. He tells me all the time he loves ballerinas...but then he burps and does something so nuts...he's perplexing!
So here I am...again with the itch. I need to find some classes that fit my schedule...ergh. Motherhood and personal desires don't always go hand in hand. I have learned a lot about myself the past 4 years...what I am willing to give up, what I am not. Mostly everything that I thought was important or necessary was not after having Micah. Dance was such a huge part of my life for so long...that I allowed it to affect so much even when I clearly was off on a different educational and career path...some were healthy affects, some were not.
Overall, though...I am learning to appreciate the human body more and more as I get older. I am FINALLY AAAAAAAAAAAAAALmost comfortable in my own skin. So what if I am the 70 year old lady in tights? haaa. That sounds just like me.
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