It occured to me...

It occured to me, only recently, that I really have no reason to fear much of anything. I am not saying I don't fear things...a lot of things...or act like a total idiot, paralyzed by the unknown...but like I said, it just occured to me that there is no reason for it.

Here's why.

If I actually subscribe to the belief I profess to "belong" to, that is one of no particular denomination and "Mere Christianity" (thank you C.S. Lewis for that easy title - makes explaining my strangeness so much easier)of the simplest kind...you know God, Jesus, a book of life that is the key to everything I need to know....well...then there can't possibly be much to fear. RIGHT?! I mean, if you BELIEVE something...WHATEVER it is...it should affect the way you live your life.

Because, in that "book" - which was once like reading Greek ( I would say Hebrew...but might confuse myself in that joke) - I have found so many things to be true...so many of its passages, once totally absorbed and understood in CONTEXT (don't let me get started on that one...you can't pull random shit out of anything and piece it together the way you want to and have it be anything that really makes sense or has actual validity), to change my life. Not in the way that self help books change you. I am not talking about jazzercising my way to a better me or learning that I actually "AM SOMEBODY"...or better yet...learning to control myself by Jenny Craiging to the next boxed meal delivered by UPS (although all of these have merit and worth - seriously). I AM talking about the kind of life change that rocks your insides...your brain, your heart, your soul in a way that says, damn, how can this not be truth - kind of way. I have experienced this. However - I have since let those experiences and memories go, chosen to forget them and allowed myself to believe that I was under some kind of influence, and let myself be absorbed by my day to day so that I could BE the angry biotch I want to be...but my memories only stay away so long:)

Sidenote for the jokesters:

Some may be more concerned with me saying shit and damn in the middle of talking about the Bible...well...sorry. Truly I am. I realize it's a bit contradictory for someone claiming to have strong beliefs. I mean, even those who don't necessarily affiliate themselves with God or spirituality or even religion probably suspect that it's odd for someone who does to so easily throw the words out:) Sometimes, though I know it's not the right thing, throwing in a good curse word now and then really seems to help get the point across. Think about it...what's more effective (note I did not say CORRECT or RIGHT): "What do you mean we're losing the house? You forgot to make the mortgage payments for the last 4 months?" OR "What the ____ do you mean we're losing the house? You forgot to make the ____-ing mortgage payments for the last 4 months?" I digress.

Focusing now:

Believing all of the above, that there is a God whose love for his creation was so great- that before we were even created He had a method (jesus) that would allow a union with Him in heaven(I mean, there has to be A method, right - how can holy and perfect be joined with the imperfect, without something occuring to bridge the gap) - that would mean that I am a stupid ____-ing moron for allowing myself to succumb to the inferior feelings of fear and anxiety. Because if I am His, so-to-speak, I feel pretty secure he's got my back.

I am terribly, terrribly afraid of failure. Does God not qualify? I am afraid of what people think of me. Does God not shape and mold my character if I am His? I am afraid that I will lose control of the things around me (financially, relationally, career-illy:)?) and BIG BLACK DOOM will swallow me and my family whole. Does God not make promises that He has a plan to prosper us and not to harm us? Well...all that means a hill of beans (my first southern saying in a blog!) to me when I allow myself to be scared by the, well, fear. Shame on me.

I have been the recipient of many gifts, many things in my life...all that have come at just the right time. I don't always get what I want, but I get what I need (sing along people - the Stones were created for a REASON!). Sometimes that comes in the form of severe loneliness...no matter who or how many are around...but it's become clear that God is my constant companion. I have been cast aside by people closest to me...people who chose to assume about me rather than investigate...but I've had a constant ally.

There's so much more to say here. To some, I've said too much. To others, I've said the obvious. To me, I've said what I needed to say. It's my blog. :))))