I know what it is...

So for the past few years I've been on a very rough journey. Much of it involved daily life and struggles and much involved me just changing. Some good, some bad...some stuff still ongoing. Any and all of it related to my core being, my faith, my understanding of God.

I had a few years of total and complete security in my beliefs in my early/mid 20's, having learned a lot about Christianity, the Bible (that used to sit in a drawer,dusty), developing lifelong friendships with people of similar beliefs, etc. This was a huge development in my life. This came after experiencing many people with beliefs that differed greatly from mine. I took as much as I could in, knowing some day I would be accountable to myself for it all...for weighing the experiences of others against my own.... So by the time I invested in Christianity for the second go-round (high school was the first round), I meant it totally. No pretending, no mother yanking me to church on Sunday after a late night w/ friends, no facades, just everyone sincere in their desire to learn about the truth of it all. Then gradually (though it seems so fast) we all grew up, got married, had children, grew apart in a lot of ways...however these are still people I can go to at any point, day or night, for what I know is the truest of friendships.

What drives me...and drives me nearly insane...is this deep nagging to continue.....because human life does not go on forever and I desperately want mine to count for something. A lifetime achievement award? No thanks. Not what I mean.

Background for my intensity: Sometime - in 2006 - to be exact, I started to find it harder to deal with lots of things, started to question a lot of things (it literally just happened...one thought led to another) - and my life changed a lot. Maybe it was the mental, emotional and spiritual weight of being responsible for another human (micah was just 1 then)...I think that had a lot to do with so much. At one point I questioned the Bible's validity, the whole concept of God. I probably spent several months ignoring what had been ingrained in my heart...ignoring the prodding, the leading that I had become familiar with. It wasn't always constant, but when it was there, it was clear as a bell. But I ignored it all. I was committed to being "confused."

I have allowed the gaps in my knowledge to overtake the way I function. Ater realizing (long journey) it wasn't Christ or Christianity I was grappling with (Jesus is the only major leader/prophet who has been recorded as coming back to life), I realized that I was really, truly and embarrassingly uneducated. I was/am grappling with myself. My ability to back myself up...the provability of it all...the historical support, the theology....the facts. Well...I knew quite a bit...but not enough to fight a tough battle or even argue for very long in a room of thinkers, of intelligent, thoroughly thought, well, thoughts...and hey, I like these kinds of people. I hope I am considered one of these people someday...so there was work to be done...there is work to be done. I remain full of gaps...but the complete parts must be what drives me to fill in the blanks...oh does this make sense? Oh LORD will I find myself in seminary courses soon? I won't say no.

Why can't I just let things roll? Let the unknown remain unknown? Let it all just be? Just can't. Those on neutral territory, who claim nothing, may smile at my attempts to figure it out, may truly appreciate it even. I know that I truly appreciate anyone who attempts to figure life out...

I can't imagine taking a breath and living the next 50 years without understanding. Why bother with anything otherwise? Just wake up, occupy myself with a job, medicate or numb myself with some substance (a nice white is what I prefer) or stay so busy I don't have time to think? Or, I could remain neutral. I could take the stance that whatever anyone believes in some way is right, that all paths lead to the truth, eventually. Then that would take me off the hook of having to really think or try.

Thoughts:

Religion - I am currently reading Ravi Zacharius' "Jesus Among Other Gods" because, well, like I said it's not that I don't believe in Jesus. I have spent most of my life trying to learn about him through the Christian faith. It's just that I have met people so influenced by THEIR different faiths that it threw me a bit (I am not talking Baptist vs. Presbyterian). I want to know what I know for sure, 100%. Not because I want to say "I'm right, your wrong, so there." But's it's because I want to truly understand it all. I want to live peacefully in this world, do waht it is I am meant to do, and if I figure it out, maybe tell a few folks:) It's possible if I try, right?

In this book, and I have only scratched the surface, I identify completely with the following statements by Zacharius:

"All religions are not the same. All religions do not point to God. All religions DO NOT say that all religions are the same. At the heart of EVERY religion is an uncompromising commitment to a particular way of defining who God is or is not and accordingly, of defining life's purpose."

My interpretation? Ditto. The driving force behind my decision to dive in and figure it out. So and so is Catholic, so and so is Presby, so and so is muslim, 7th day adventist, mormon, methodist, yadda yadda. HOW can it all be right? Too hard of a question? - can't be. The differences minor? Well then why SO many different churches...that does not say unity or minor difference to me.

"Anyone who claims that all religions are the same betrays not only an ignorance of all religions but also a caricatured view of even the best-known ones. Every religion at its core is exclusive."

My interpretation/thoughts? How much easier would it be to just chalk it all up this way...to say...worship however you wish, believe what you will, follow bits and pieces here and there, whatever means the most to you, whatever speaks to you, and it will all be right in the end. HOW COULD THIS BE? Many religions that claim the christian faith utilize the Bible. I have read enough of the Bible, many, many times, to know that it clearly states what it means to be a Christian...and it's actually VERY simple...but we crap it all up with STUFF that isn't in the Bible..

I try to envision what others might think. Here's my best guess. I anticipate that after reading this some might think "ok, she's a christian. Most of America is Christian. What's the big deal?" The big deal is that Christianity is based on believing in Jesus Christ, becoming christ-like by asking him into your life... as stated in the Bible ( we were made with choice, free will). While many have distorted this by adding, taking away or ignoring totally, it remains a truth in my life.

I know some Christians who simply need little more than the story of Jesus to believe. Fine...swell...I am sure God appreciates those easy converts:) sorry. I am not one. If Jesus is not going to show up in my bedroom tonight and show himself to me in the physical sense, then surely he will show himself to me in other ways ( I need him to show up in other ways)...and if I think for a minute...he already has:

* many times I will read the words of the Bible outloud during Bible studies or even to myself or my son and my voice will crack from the weight of teh power of the words. I simply can't get them out without crumbling...i am always humbled.
*when I listen to a passionate teacher or preacher and see their sweat, their tears, their urgency to tell their audience what they know...without expecting anything in return...and I am glued to my chair...unable to do anything but take it all in.
*When I hear a song that brings me to my knees, literally and figuratively
*When I am in yoga class or dance class and can fully appreciate and be aware of the inner workings of my body...and how it has the potential to strengthen itself and heal itself
*My son has clearly accepted Jesus' message. He wants to know as much as he can about God, about truth and actually told me that God is powerful and more important than anything else.
*When I am able to speak with clear confidence about what I do know, sometimes unaware of the words coming out of my mouth as I say them...
*When I am in a situation that seems normal to others, but I experience something else...grief more often than not, for what I see.

Things that happen to me as I continue my search and invest in my life this way?

*I am haunted by terrible scary dreams (wonder what opposing force enables that)
*I am constantly distracted
*I doubt my ability to get through all the stuff i want to get through
*Feelings of inadequacy
*Fear
*Confusion.
*sadness

I realized recently that I experience those things because the "opposing force" does not want me to reach my full potential. This means there is something to do...there is a purpose for my life, for everyone's life.

I have nothing to lose if I am wrong about everything I've stated. I have NOTHING to lose if Christ isn't real, if God isn't real, if the Bible is a load of stories randomly put together. But I believe it and live by it (attempt). If I am right I have everything, everything to gain.

Finding Everything Hard...

...I am finding it harder and harder to find things to be happy about lately. The more I watch television, the harder it gets to envision my son's future without it being riddled by perversion of some sort. I can't possibly watch any more reality shows about musicians or ex porn stars who have started their lives over. For a MINUTE I thought I may have loved Brett Michaels too - but then I watched his tongue go down multiple penthouse throats and thought I was going to be sick. And how is it that every cast off gets his/her own show? What is the world coming to? Seriously? Seriously.

I can go deeper here, but I am not going to. I am too tired and too irritated.

Signing off!