Every so often I will get an immense ache to move my body. I am thankful for that. It reminds me that I CAN move my body, that I am NOT sick or suffering from anything. I studied dance for so many years...and still, at 30, after 6 or so years of NOT taking dance regularly...miss it like crazy.
What do I miss? The cuts, the blisters, the chunks of skin or even maybe a toenail being removed? Well, yeah, sort of. I have a few scars on my toes from the years I took pointe. I remember the first time I put a pair of pointe shoes on at 15 I loved them. I begged my mom at 10 to let me take pointe, but she had some crazy notion that it was bad for me:) Yes, I am standing on the very, very tips of my toes, my arches forced to their maximum. So what? I felt like a giselle....even though I was a VERY VERY late bloomer in ballet, I loved every second at that barre. I loved the style, the strictness, the challenge it was to make every movement appear effortless.
I took dance at the average "tap and twirl" as my old NC Dance Theatre friends called it - through middle school. Tap and Jazz was my focus...I was good at it...or as good at that studio was. But I always knew it was a part of me, that it was more to me than it was to most. i didn't care about the costumes or the performance as much as the process. My body could do this?!
Then in high school I was exposed to modern dance. Barefoot. Totally feeling the floor with my entire foot. This wasn't so stylized, but yet equally if not more challenging to my muscles. There are all different modern dance techniques and I loved them ALL. I was HOOKED. I could be inventive while using my technique. I remember my freshman year in college we had a guest teacher ( I was a dance minor just because I could NOT give it up to take poli sci like every other communications major) and she took us through a combination of steps. I have great difficulty picking up series of movements quickly. I always get nervous and try hard to remember the series, but.... I need them over and over again...but I still did what I could. I will never forget her saying "you love modern dance. I can see it in every inch of your body. Keep trying." And so I did. I was on air after that comment...like someone could see my insides!
In the grande scheme of things, I was/am an average dancer physically...but mentally, I was more. It's a part of me. I feel the urge to move and yet have that total peace at the same time...that's dance for me...EXTREME everything...physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I mean..God gave me this love and ability to dance. I even see it in my son. I do not dance in front of him. He's been to a dance studio a handful of times. He ADORES it. He has a natural inclination toward different beats, is actually very coordinated and graceful and quite flexible. Naturally. God passed that down to him too. How neat. That's how it happens I guess. I wonder if he'll ever wish to take a class. He tells me all the time he loves ballerinas...but then he burps and does something so nuts...he's perplexing!
So here I am...again with the itch. I need to find some classes that fit my schedule...ergh. Motherhood and personal desires don't always go hand in hand. I have learned a lot about myself the past 4 years...what I am willing to give up, what I am not. Mostly everything that I thought was important or necessary was not after having Micah. Dance was such a huge part of my life for so long...that I allowed it to affect so much even when I clearly was off on a different educational and career path...some were healthy affects, some were not.
Overall, though...I am learning to appreciate the human body more and more as I get older. I am FINALLY AAAAAAAAAAAAAALmost comfortable in my own skin. So what if I am the 70 year old lady in tights? haaa. That sounds just like me.
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