Do I Expect Too Much?

I have had a lot of things happen to me and around me at the ripe old age of 30 that make me wonder if I expect too much overall - from everyone and everything, including myself. My report cards as a child always showed straight A's...well mostly...but the reports would say that I was a "worry wart" and a "perfectionist". Obviously it was a bit of an issue if I was making A's and a teacher thought to tell my parents. Hmm. I think I must have carried that through my whole life...for whatever reason.... I do NOT like to disappoint ANYONE and I am afraid of all sorts of things. As a cutie patootie 5 year old told me today " That's RUBBISH." How true...but how hard to stop.

I am the product of a public school system that doesn't exactly have the best reputation...but came out seemingly unscathed. But it is b/c of that negative reputation that I find myself questioning my abilities...time and time again. Am I really smart or just smarter than Joe-Smoe next to me? Yes I graduated 7th in my high school class, but if you compared me to someone from another area, I wouldn't be in the same league intellectually - right?! I don't know. I DO know that I try really hard at everything, am more than fairly bright and have a deep desire to know more and more...about EVERYTHING. However...I am 30..and should know better when it comes to my son. I have recently caught myself expecting my 3, almost 4 year old, to have it all together, to know more than the average runny nose kid. What is WRONG with me?

Well. Sometimes I wonder if that's not what's "right" with me. People don't give kids enough credit. They know and absorb SO much more than we give them credit for...IF you take the time to watch and understand your child. I remember reading that although they can't speak, babies understand everything you say by 6 months of age...or something like that. It was that knowledge that led me to believe that I was right in discipling a baby and toddler. I remember the first time I ever disciplined him...and it was before he was 1. The moment I asked him to do something and he looked at me and did the opposite...I knew the battle of wills had begun!!! I remember thinking HOLY CRAP this is young for him to defy me...someday he'll actually speak sentences, be sarcastic (it's inevitable in my family line)and THEN what will I do? I am there now.

Every day is a battle. I used to get really really caught up in it. It would make me miserable. When Micah was younger, he wasn't able to reason...he felt a certain way and he reacted...period. When he was an infant/baby, he cried to get what he wanted. We taught him a few sign language words, thinking it would help him communicate....which it did...but he always signed "MORE COOKIE"...ha! No joke!

When he was a baby/toddler...he pointed and cried and said a few words. When he was a toddler, he spoke full sentences and told me - demanded things of me with no room for listening. As a preschooler...he not only informs me of his desires, but lays them out LOUD AND CLEAR. "Mommy, when I get big like you, I am NOT cleaning my toys up. That's how it will be b/c I will be in charge." Impressive. I laughed. Or there's "I can do whatever I want." THAT was learned somewhere other than our home...so to that I say "Yes, you always have a choice, but you have to pay the consequences for the bad ones." He understands but I think just likes to say things. He even has this annoying way of fluctuating his voice in a whiney way to get his point across. Ahh...he's learning how to stress certain words and not stress others to make a point. Pretty good stuff.

As I look back, I realize that I NEVER spoke baby talk. I talked in a low voice, was goofy and playful...but didn't shorten words, didn't make up words...and maybe that's why his verbal skills are so good...I don't know. Maybe God just gifted him in all sorts of ways. But I've realized that I sometimes, b/c of his great communication, expect him to act a bit older. Not that I don't love 3 year olds for the little bright things that they are...but I just realized that my son is not even 4. He has NOT BEEN ON THIS EARTH 4 years yet...how could he have his behavior down yet? I mean...when he acts out or reacts to something...it's actually quite similar to what I NATURALLY want to do.

When my parents annoy me, I WANT to yell at them...but I don't..because I have been taught to respect them.

When people disappoint me, I WANT to sulk and feel sorry for myself - but instead try to turn the other cheek and let things go. This doesn't always work for me.

When I am annoyed, I WANT to bite the head off of anyone close to me...but I instead walk away and fume until I can return to the room an adult.

When I open my fridge and see chicken - AGAIN - I want to DEMAND pizza or pasta and want to eat out.

When I see someone wronged, a justice not served...I feel a strong desire to get in someone's face and serve justice, so to speak...but instead...I have learned to pray for the situation.

It has taken me THIRTY years to get here...I just listed what I REALLY want to do in certain circumstances...it's no different than what my son does naturally. I am trying to help him through his natural reaction so that he can live AMONG PEOPLE in peace - or at least in a rational manner - when he grows up. Simple as that. I sometimes expect him to know so much, to take what I said and run with it instead of forgetting it. But he's not EVEN 4!

I am not beyond telling my son I am sorry. I did it several times this week. I love him so much. Thinking of him, only one room away - I miss him. He is light and life and everything that is right in my world. I think I may need to take a step back and appreciate the intelligent, fairly well controlled boy that he is and just PLAY with him:)


Micah Gabriel Carper...will he EVER know how much I love him? Probably not.