STUFF

Ahh...

So what could I be thinking NOW...I'm not sure I even know. I stopped blogging after my last post about my grandma due to nothing other than a sheer loss of interest in my own life...or at least talking about it...because I literally had just witnessed one end.

Since January I have discovered that I am pregnant and expecting another son in September, that I have a thicker skin than I orginally thought and that I have grown in a lot of ways (other than in diameter) and have more trust and peace than ever before.

I'll start with the first. Pregnancy:

Oh the joy of finding out that we were pregnant...seriously. My husband and I started thinking, feeling, rather, that another baby would be fit nicely into our world around Thanksgiving. To many others I am sure they thought we were crazy. We don't make a lot of money, I am usually stressed with work and the lack of childcare I currently have (a bit self inflicted as I am REALLY concerned with my kid's surroundings and influences) and so on.

I figured I'd be sick again, like with Micah. I found out I was pregnant New Year's Day, after going for a run and having certain body parts feel very tender. I took a test immediately, three rather (hey, better than the 5 I took with my son), and positive it was. We were shaking with fright and joy at the same time. I mean...we BARELY whispered the idea to each other weeks prior...and literally tried twice to get the timing of ovulation right...and that's all it took. How blessed we are and we do not take that for granted.

In a nutshell, I was sick for 14 weeks, less sick week 15-20, better weeks 22-29 and at week 30.5 seem to be returning to a bit of nausea. I also have one hernia that needs repair post baby, possibly another. And it's July in the Lowcountry...so it's fricking hot!

Other than that I am thrilled. Being self employed means that I do not have to rush to find childcare for an infant...and that weight alone being off my shoulders has enabled many smiles and sighs of relief. What I went through with Micah was hellish.

I am very healthy, baby - to the best of my knowledge - is growing strong and steadily and all is expected to go well.

Thank you, God, for another INCREDIBLE blessing.

Second - thick skin:

Watching grandma be so sick...and feeling the weight of lost time with her (and the many tears of guilt cried over this) through the years really did something to me.Watching my father return to a boy and a son for a short time was nothing short of painful...but in appropriate ways. It SHOULD hurt to see your father hurt and hug his mother and kiss her goodbye for the last time. Praying with her, for her and watching her deteriorate before my eyes for 48 hours straight is heart breaking. It's also quite sobering.

Immediately after removing things from my life that weren't healthy or a necessity became very important to me...some for the physical benefits for my baby, some for the physical and mental benefits for me. There was alcohol, clearly a no no at this time, certain foods and certain medicines that were off limits...and I feel cleansed. I have no dependency on anything...except one cup of coffee in the morning:)

I learned, after being the brunt of several really intense verbal bashings by a very close family member, that I am stronger than I thought and that God REALLY does listen to me and protect me. Without a relationship of some sort with the big man who created me, I would probably be on medication or living a very bleak life. I could have spent much time (as I would have just months ago) trying to prove a point or continue to participate in an unhealthy situation or I could see it for what it was.

I could have easily taken what this person said to me to heart instead of considering the circumstances (and the source on many levels)and stopping to become quiet. QUIETNESS is a treasured thing...as any mother will tell you (who can work ,make dinner, clean house and raise a kid simultaneously). But there's a different kind of quietness...one that allows me to see the tiny being I really am in a world FILLED with people. One that shows me how insignificant I am AS WELL AS how significant I could be. Some refer to it as meditation. Ok. I think of it as trying to look God in the eye and ask Him to show me how HE sees me. This can be REALLy tough to swallow...especially when He answers right away and you feel like a total d-bag for how you've been living your life...ok, for how I'd been living MY life.

Things learned:

I have finally learned an important lesson. It's is that God is my provision. No one else. I've gotten a few pats on the back for jobs well done and accounts earned and clients signed...but the amount of work and the amount I am paid for that work has also been EXACTLY what I needed. Not always what I wanted, but waht I NEEDED. Most recently I had two major clients sign for 12 weeks...the 12 weeks before my maternity leave. who signs on to be "signed off" for a good while (maternity leave) shortly after? Not many. I can't take credit for being "so" good at what I do that ppl will just sign up for any amount of time...

Sure there are many who do it all on their own without asking God for anything. I, however, have evaluated and reevaluated my own relationship and belief in God so many times that I now ask for Him to provide and believe that He will - even in the craziest and most uncertain of circumstances AND HE has never failed to do it IMMEDIATELY. EVER. That doesn't mean I don't occassionally freak or doubt...uh, I'm HUMAN. I used to spend HOURS AND HOURS trying to plan and figure things out...and I am amazed at my new ability to to trust.

COULD I do it on my "own" without asking God...I have tried before and come up short...or have completely failed...and you know why? This is going to really going to sound strange...especially if you view the world with no God, or you view God as a REALLY distant being of sorts. I firmly believe that I will ALWAYS have the odds stacked against me because I DO believe in God, because I am God's. Ya know, the ole GOOD VS. EVIL idea. If God is for me, who will be against me...well, just about everything I'd say. Good thing I know...and have witnessed God be the strongest source of anything in my life.

I think that might sum a few months up.